


Possession

by dreamsofspike



Category: American Idol RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-11
Updated: 2011-09-11
Packaged: 2017-10-23 15:30:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 11
Words: 24,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/251968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsofspike/pseuds/dreamsofspike
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The request was a slight variation on this prompt from the kink meme: Adam/everyone, primarily Adam/Kris, sex slave -- On stage and on camera Adam is in control. On the buses, in the hotel rooms, when it's only the Idols in private, it's a very different matter. Adam is basically a sex slave to the group, though Kris is in charge. He has final say over what Adam does, and with who. Adam would come to him if one of the others demanded of him something he didn't want to do, that sort of thing...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As mentioned in the summary, this is a dom/sub, master/slave fic, with Adam as Kris's slave, whom he shares with the other guys on the tour bus. It also includes non-con at one point, though non-graphic.

Halfway through the tour, fans finally started listening to Adam’s requests for “equal opportunity” undergarment-throwing.

 

In addition to the half dozen bras that found their way onto the stage, there were also a couple of jock straps and a pair of red satin boxers. On the way back to the buses after the tour, Adam and Allison laughed about the items he’d received – none of which he’d actually kept, naturally. Walking near them, Danny grumbled under his breath.

 

“Must get distracting. I’m glad I don’t have to deal with all that crap during _my_ set.”

 

A sly, knowing smirk formed on Adam’s lips, but he didn’t look up at Danny as he spoke in a tone of false innocence. “Aww, you’re not jealous, are you, Danny?”

 

“What? No!” Danny sputtered, sounding offended by the suggestion.

 

Allison giggled, exchanging a wicked look with Adam as she put in, “Adam got so many, I’m sure he’d be willing to share.”

 

“Too bad I didn’t keep any of them,” Adam added, barely managing not to laugh. “I bet you would have _loved_ to have those red boxers.”

 

Danny knew he was missing something when Allison burst out laughing, and Adam quickly joined her, the two of them clearly amused by some private joke. Overhearing the conversation, Matt and Anoop both started laughing as well. Danny frowned in self-conscious irritation.

 

“ _What_?” he demanded. “What’s so funny?”

 

The others simply kept laughing, rolling their eyes and generally avoiding answering him, until Anoop finally took pity on him and explained, “The boxers had ‘property of Adam Lambert’ written across the back.”

 

Danny’s sputtering increased at that, a look of wide-eyed horror on his face as the other Idols burst out laughing at his reaction.

 

“Ugh, I hope the guy who threw them up there hadn’t actually _worn_ them,” Allison remarked as they reached the buses, grinning when her comment received a chorus of disgusted sounds of agreement.

 

“Why do you think I don’t keep any of that stuff?” Adam countered, giving her a grimace of distaste at the idea.

 

Allison parted ways with them at her bus, saying goodnight to the boys and climbing on board. As soon as they had left the girls behind, Adam felt an uneasy feeling of wary anticipation creeping over him. His mind was already slipping into a very different mode from the comfortable, controlled confidence that usually characterized him in public, now that the male Idols were that much closer to being alone, when there would no longer be any need to keep up the pretense.

 

He lingered near the entrance to the bus, fidgeting distractedly as one of the handlers talked with the others, making sure they had everything they might need for the eight hour drive to the next city. Once he left, the Idols knew they’d still have about an hour of down time before the driver got on and they began the drive. Everything seemed normal, casual – no cause for any concern on the part of the handler.

 

Adam wondered what he would think if he knew what was going to happen as soon as the door closed behind him.

 

Matt and Anoop went immediately to the back of the bus, probably to change into pajamas and get more comfortable for the long drive. Michael and Kris sat on the fold out sofa across from the door, and Danny rose to follow the handler to the door, closing it for him and latching it before turning calmly to face Adam.

 

A breathtaking backhand blow made Adam stumble back against the wall behind him, as Danny took a step into his face, snarling furiously, “You think you’re funny, Adam? That was really freakin’ hilarious, wasn’t it? Are you _trying_ to make Allison and the others suspicious?”

 

Instinct developed over the last couple of months caused Adam to lower his head meekly, shaking his head in denial of Danny’s accusation. “No. It was just a joke…”

 

“Get on your knees.” Danny cut him off with a cold command, and Adam automatically complied, his heart in his throat, not daring to look up. “‘Property of Adam Lambert’? Please!” Danny sneered, contempt in his voice as he brought his hand down again across Adam’s face, then raised his hand as if for another blow. “As if I was your slave or something. If anything, _you’re_ …”

 

“… _mine_.”

 

Kris unexpectedly cut Danny off, coming up unnoticed behind him and catching his wrist firmly before the intended blow could fall. Danny turned toward him in surprise, a trapped, guilty expression on his face as Kris regarded him with a cool, controlled challenge in his dark eyes.

 

“He’s mine,” Kris calmly repeated. “So maybe you’d better keep your hands off without permission.”

 

Danny swallowed hard, visibly considering defying Kris’s quiet tone of authority. He was physically larger than Kris, and could possibly have stopped him from preventing his retaliation against Adam – but to challenge Kris’s command when it came to Adam would be to jeopardize the entire arrangement in which the male Idols had been engaged since just before tour began. Grudgingly, Danny lowered his hand, and Kris slowly released it, keeping his piercing gaze locked onto Danny as he spoke softly again.

 

“Adam, that was a foolish joke.”

 

“I’m sorry, master,” Adam murmured without hesitation, his eyes submissively downcast.

 

“We can’t afford for anyone to pick up on anything suspicious between us…” He paused, a half-smirk of mingled mockery and irritation forming on his lips as he pointedly continued without looking away from Danny. “… and since Gokey doesn’t have the first clue about subtlety or playing it cool in public… it’s best if you just don’t joke about anything remotely related to this at all in front of anyone else. Is that clear?”

 

“Yes, master.”

 

“It’s handled, then,” Kris stated softly, eyebrows raised as he took in Danny’s seething look of anger, his narrowed, glaring eyes focused on Adam at their feet. “So _back off_. Got it?”

 

“Fine,” Danny spat finally, spinning on his heel and stalking away toward the back of the bus.

 

Kris’s shoulders fell with the release of the tension of the standoff, and he raised a hand to run down his face in weary exasperation. Adam raised a tentative hand to grasp the edge of the table near the door, starting to rise to his feet. Without removing his hand from his brow or looking at him, Kris spoke again in a calm, authoritative tone.

 

“I didn’t say get up.”

 

Adam froze immediately, eyes wide and wary, swallowing hard as he slowly settled back onto his knees, silently awaiting further instruction. From the sofa, Michael eagerly spoke up.

 

“Kris, it’s my turn tonight. Can I…?”

 

“No, it’s _my_ turn tonight,” Kris corrected softly, reaching down a gentle but possessive hand to run idly through Adam’s hair. “Tomorrow night the normal schedule will resume. Tonight – Adam and I need some time alone.”

 

Michael let out a frustrated but accepting sigh as he rose and made his way toward the back of the bus. “All right, whatever, man. Good night, guys. See you in the morning.”

 

Kris watched him go until the sliding door to the sleeping area of the bus had closed, before turning his full attention toward Adam, crouching slowly in front of him to look him in the eyes with a solemn, reproving expression.

 

“That was really dumb, Adam.”

 

“It was just a joke…”

 

“So now you’re not only deliberately goading Gokey and _trying_ to piss him off, but you’re talking back to me, too?” Kris’s tone was suddenly sharp, warning, and his hand tightened in Adam’s hair, jerking his head back slightly. “You think that’s a good idea, Adam?”

 

Adam bit his lower lip, his breath quickening as he shook his head as best he could against Kris’s grip before gasping out, “No, master. I’m sorry… I’m sorry…”

 

Kris relaxed his grip again, his expression softening with his touch as he pulled Adam’s head in closer to his own, claiming his mouth in a tender, thorough kiss. When he drew back, Adam’s mouth was slack, surrendered, his lips trembling with need as he drew in a ragged, shaky breath. The raw desire in his expression sent a quickening of arousal through Kris’s body, his eyes darkening with lust as he swallowed hard, then rose slowly to his feet.

 

“Get up,” he ordered softly.

 

Adam obeyed, and Kris laid a possessive but gentle hand against his throat, sidling around behind him and rising onto his tiptoes to speak low into his ear.

 

“Go back to my bunk and undress. Lie down on it and don’t make a sound. I’ll be there in a minute.”

 

Adam nodded once to indicate his obedience before heading off down the hall to do as he’d been ordered. Kris watched him go with a deep hunger building within him, eagerly anticipating what was to come during the long hours while the others slept – and hoping that he and Adam could be quiet enough not to wake them.

 

*******************************

 

Kris’s special arrangement with Adam had been in place since about a month before the finale, which had been about a month into their relationship – which was never a secret to anyone sharing the Idol mansion with them. Adam had always vocally and openly professed to prefer to play the dominant role in his relationships, and Kris, being fairly inexperienced in these matters, had been comfortable to allow him to do just that.

 

Then one night, a purely teasing, playful gesture of dominance on Kris’s part had changed everything.

 

Kris had caught Adam off guard while they were making out on Adam’s bed, catching his wrists and flipping them over so that he was lying on top of Adam, pinning his hands over his head and whispering into his ear in a falsely threatening tone.

 

“Unh-uh, Lambert. Tonight _I_ call the shots…”

 

He had fully expected Adam to turn the tables on him again and make him pay in the most delightful of ways for his playful, momentary insubordination. What he hadn’t expected at all was the stirring in Adam’s groin he’d felt beneath him, and the stifled whimper of arousal that had escaped Adam’s lips – or the intensity of desire and need Adam’s reaction had awakened in Kris himself.

 

That single brief incident grew into another, and another, as they began to explore the darker side of Adam’s desires – and Kris’s, as well. Gradually, they took it more and more seriously, allowing Kris’s dominance to creep into more and more areas of their lives together, until finally, it became more than a game; it was a lifestyle.

 

Kris liked the idea of the total control Adam surrendered to him; and Adam loved the relief of being able to let down all his walls and give himself completely to someone he loved and trusted – someone he knew loved him completely in return, and would look out for him and protect him and be worthy of that trust.

 

Of course, living in such close quarters, it didn’t take long for the other guys to pick up on what was going on between them – with varying reactions.

 

Danny expressed disgust at first… followed by a sort of guarded curiosity. After making sure that Adam really was okay with being “bossed around” by his smaller partner, Michael had seemed to find the arrangement funny and a little strange, but not overtly troubling.

 

Matt had admitted openly and almost immediately that he found it unbelievably hot.

 

The more Matt talked about how sexy it was that Adam was so submissive to Kris, how much he wished he could find someone willing to do that sort of thing, the more Kris found himself increasingly turned on by the idea of “sharing” Adam with someone else – the idea of holding such power over his willing slave that he could compel him to do whatever he said not only with him, but with someone else as well.

 

Adam was initially reluctant, but once Kris convinced him that it was really what he wanted, Adam hesitantly agreed to spend a night with Matt in his hotel room, about a week into the tour. When he returned to Kris the following morning, a little shaken and uncertain, Kris had taken him into his bed and reassured him and made love to him, reminding him that he belonged to Kris, and no one else, no matter what had happened.

 

Adam never protested the arrangement again, as gradually, one night turned into more, and Matt turned into _all_ the male Idols. They all agreed to keep the secret from the girls, and all of the Idol staff – everyone besides the guys on the bus. Eventually, the worked out a tentative schedule, though Kris had the final say over that schedule, and could change it or even cancel it as he saw fit.

 

Kris didn’t mind sharing, as long as he had final say over who and what and when – as long as it was clear that in the end Adam was _his_ , and no one else’s.

 

**************************

 

Kris made his way back to his bunk, satisfied that Adam had been made to wait long enough. He slipped past the closed compartments where his friends slept to his own, sliding it open and taking in the enticing sight before him.

 

Adam lay face down on the bunk, completely naked, his wrists crossed over his head, his face buried in the pillow at the head of the thin mattress. Kris delighted in the visible shiver that passed through Adam’s body as he slid a hand slowly up Adam’s thigh to stroke over the rounded swell of his ass, finally stopping at his hip. He leaned in close to whisper into Adam’s ear, in a hushed voice of dark desire.

 

“ _Tonight… you’re only mine_ …”


	2. Chapter 2

Kris watched Danny closely the next day, looking for any signs of lingering anger toward Adam; but he seemed to have forgotten the incident completely. Danny acted completely normal with both Kris and Adam, both in public and in private, laughing and joking and behaving as if his fury of the night before was nothing more than a distant memory. With each hour that passed without incident, or any trace of resentment on Danny’s part, Kris felt himself begin to relax a little bit, hoping that the tension had passed.

 

 _But even if it has… it’s probably a good idea to have Danny skip his turn this time around… just to be safe…_

Kris knew that of the entire group, Danny was the one with the most vindictive nature. They all knew that his turn with Adam was only a couple of nights away. Kris wouldn’t put it past him to pretend that he was no longer angry just long enough to get his hands on Adam, so that he could take out his anger on him in private, without Kris there to intervene.

 

According to the rules of their arrangement, Adam had to go to whomever Kris ordered him to, and do whatever they asked of him. However, he _did_ have recourse if one of the other Idols ever tried to take advantage of his position, or demanded of him something he was utterly unwilling to give.

 

Adam had the option to refuse the advances of anyone, as long as he immediately went to Kris afterwards, explained his objections, and asked Kris to make a decision on the matter. So far, he had never had occasion to object, beyond a couple of times when he’d gone to Kris beforehand and told him that he was too tired or not feeling well; and if those times happened to have both taken place on Danny’s night, well – Kris chose to believe that it was nothing more than coincidence.

 

It was an unspoken understanding among them all that, whenever this sort of thing occurred, Kris was almost certain to make the decision in favor of Adam’s wishes.

 

In fact, Kris had considered taking Danny off the list entirely, although Adam had never asked him directly to do so; but Kris had his reasons to be hesitant about such a drastic measure. After all, Danny had a sneaky, mean streak to him, and out of the entire group, Kris thought him the most likely to expose their secret arrangement to the public if he was given a reason to do so. Of course, that would mean exposing his own participation in it as well; but Kris knew that he could easily claim that the others were simply trying to get back at him for exposing _them_ , and Danny’s loyal fan base would almost certainly believe him.

 

No, since Danny had been involved in the situation from the beginning, it was best to avoid pushing him out of it, if at all possible, for the good of everyone involved.

 

 _But, after last night… if Adam doesn’t feel safe with him…_

Although Adam had yet to voice any objection to Danny’s taking his turn as usual, as the days passed leading up to it – first Michael’s turn, then Anoop’s the next night – Kris could tell that he was anxious about it. It was clear in the way he shied away any time Danny accidentally happened too near to him, or the way he would sometimes just stare in the direction of the other man, his brow furrowed with worry, biting the side of his lower lip in a gesture that made him look childlike and vulnerable – a gesture Kris had come to know well, as he had come to know _Adam_.

 

Kris had come to enjoy the power his position gave him over his lover, the authority Adam had willingly relinquished to him; and at this point, he was unwilling to give it up. Still, he recognized that with that power came the obligation to protect Adam from any harm – to make sure that he was safe and happy, and never placed in a position to be vulnerable to abuse or violation.

 

 _And he hasn’t even said a word… he’s being so submissive, so good about all of this… but I know he doesn’t want to go with Danny tomorrow night…_

By the time they checked into the hotel rooms where they would stay that night, and the following, Kris had already made his decision.

 

Danny would skip his turn this time around. If he didn’t like it, well – Kris really didn’t care.

 

What mattered most was that Adam felt safe.

 

 _By the next time his turn comes around, Danny should have forgotten all about what happened the other night, and it should be totally safe…_

 

Kris made his way down the hall to Adam’s room to tell him his decision. As usual Adam had asked for two keys and then immediately given one of them to Kris, so Kris did not bother to knock, but simply let himself in. Adam was sitting on the edge of his bed, tense and tapping one foot anxiously, clearly waiting for Kris to arrive.

 

As Kris entered the room, Adam immediately rose to his feet, his trembling hands clenched into pale fists at his sides. He opened his mouth to speak, closed it in hesitation, then finally ventured in a tone of quiet defiance.

 

“I _won’t_ be with Danny tomorrow night.”

 

Kris froze, struck – and not at all pleased – by Adam’s demeanor. He considered for a moment, deciding to give Adam the opportunity to back down, to place his trust in Kris’s judgment. He chose to deliberately misinterpret Adam’s words, leaving him the option of pretending that they had been a poorly worded request rather than a demand. Still, his tone was clipped, edged with warning, when he finally moved again, calmly crossing the room toward Adam.

 

“Not if I don’t think it’s safe.”

 

“No, you… you don’t understand,” Adam protested, his gaze faltering for a moment under the sharp look Kris gave him, but then returning to meet Kris’s eyes, his jaw set with stubborn determination. “No matter _what_ you think – whether or not it’s safe – I _won’t_ do it. Period.”

 

Frustration and anger warred with understanding and sympathy in Kris’s heart, which sank under the weight of what he knew he had to do next. Adam was supposed to trust him, supposed to know that he would always make the best choice for him, and protect him. Kris had not planned to subject him to Danny, despite his belief that it was totally safe to do so. He had intended to spare Adam Danny’s turn, simply because of his probably unfounded fears.

 

But such sheer defiance could not be tolerated.

 

Adam had left him no choice.

 

Kris swiftly closed the rest of the distance between them, lashing out and striking Adam hard across the face. Adam stumbled back a bit, the backs of his knees hitting the mattress so that he sat down hard on the side of it. His hands rose, trembling, into a half-pleading, half-defensive gesture in front of him as Kris’s hand whipped out to grasp his hair, jerking his head back and forcing him into a submissive position. Kris’s voice was smooth and hard, velvet over steel, as he spoke in a low, measured tone.

 

“You will do as you are told.”

 

Adam’s breath quickened with alarm, his eyes closed, a convulsive swallow visible in his throat. His knuckles were white, his hands still clenched into fists against the mattress as he struggled to maintain some semblance of control. He hesitated a moment before softly replying.

 

“Not this time. Not if you tell me to do _this_.”

 

Kris hesitated, torn. He didn’t want to force Adam into something he didn’t want to do; and yet, he didn’t want to relinquish his authority in the situation, either. He knew that this could only work if Adam was willing to trust him implicitly – to submit to him totally. He sat down on the bed beside Adam, easing his grip on his hair to a caress, tugging his head gently down so that their foreheads rested against each other.

 

“If you don’t trust me… don’t submit,” he whispered, “then this is useless, Adam. This whole thing. Worthless. But… I can’t force you to trust me if you don’t.” Kris abruptly released Adam, sitting up straight and meeting his questioning, uncertain gaze with unyielding challenge in his own as he spoke in a normal tone again. “So… fine.” He shrugged, the gesture far more careless than his feelings. “Do as you please.” He stood and started toward the door, turning back to add pointedly, “ _From now on_.”

 

Without another word, he walked out of Adam’s room and headed back toward his own.

 

He was unsurprised to hear Adam’s door open again a moment later, or to hear the rushing footsteps that followed him down the hall; but he didn’t break his stride, didn’t turn to face his nearly frantic lover.

 

“Kris! Kris, wait!”

 

Kris didn’t.

 

“Kris, _stop_ , wait a minute, _talk to me_!”

 

Adam was clearly desperate to stop him, but reluctant to do so physically, easily keeping up with him as he made his way down the hall but not quite daring to touch him. Finally, just outside Kris’s door, Adam grabbed his arm, turning him around to face him. Even as he did so, he flinched slightly, as if expecting to be punished for using such force. Ordinarily, Kris would have at the very least pulled away from him and given him a stern reprimand.

 

But Kris didn’t pull away, didn’t touch him – just passively allowed him to turn him around, a calm, expectant expression on his face – and that was so much worse.

 

And Kris _knew_ it was worse.

 

It meant that Kris had given up on their arrangement – given up on _Adam_.

 

Almost frantically, Adam leaned in to push Kris back against his door, kissing him desperately, searchingly, as if trying to find and hold onto something that was swiftly slipping out of his reach. Kris allowed the kiss, yielding to it but not really participating, until Adam finally drew back, breathless and gasping, worried eyes searching Kris’s face for some sort of sign.

 

Kris gave him nothing but a solemn, sympathetic look, reaching out to take his hand and turn it over so that it was palm up in his own. Adam looked down, staring in dumb horror as Kris pressed the extra key to Adam’s room into his hand, then released it and turned his back. He took out his own key and unlocked his door, before looking once more at Adam and speaking in a cool, detached tone.

 

“Good night, Adam.”

 

Kris shut the door firmly behind him – _shutting Adam out_ – and then fairly collapsed against it, gasping for breath, his hands covering his face as he fought off what felt like the beginnings of a panic attack. He slid down against the door, bracing his back against it and pulling his knees up against his chest, folding his arms over them and burying his face as he struggled for control. One frantic, fearful thought coursed through his mind over and over again.

 

 _I can’t lose him… God, I can’t lose him! Please…_

 

***********************************

 

Kris woke up the next morning feeling nauseated and uneasy. His hands trembled as he got dressed and brushed his teeth, ignoring his hair completely. He made a cup of coffee in the tiny coffee-maker supplied by the hotel, but didn’t touch it. He was too sick with worry and loss to eat or drink anything.

 

Finally, he decided that this was simply not worth it.

 

Yes, he enjoyed their relationship as it was, and he knew that Adam got something that he needed as well out of his total surrender to Kris; but if Adam was no longer willing to do things the way they always had, well – that would have to be okay.

 

Kris would rather have Adam in any way than to not have him at all.

 

He returned to the bathroom mirror and ran a hand nervously through his hair, mentally rehearsing his apology, before finally opening the door to venture out into the hall. He froze, his breath catching in his throat, eyes going wide.

 

Adam stood there, hand poised to knock – looking every bit as startled as Kris felt.

 

Adam bit his lip anxiously before slipping past Kris into the room and closing the door. He met Kris’s eyes for just a moment before bowing his head, sliding gracefully to his knees.

 

“I’m sorry.”

 

The words Kris had been poised to say fell easily from Adam’s lips, and Kris’s heart leapt up into his throat, tears of relief and affection springing to his eyes. Adam’s voice was trembling, broken – utterly vulnerable.

 

“I’ll do whatever you say. You’re right. I… I should trust your judgment. I’ll… I’ll go to Danny’s room tonight. I’ll do anything you want. Please, Kris… I’m sorry…”

 

Kris crouched in front of him, reaching out a tender hand to cup Adam’s cheek, his heart breaking a little when Adam leaned his face into the touch, closing his eyes, visibly relishing the affection. Kris rubbed his thumb gently under Adam’s eye, trailing his hand up to run soothingly through his hair.

 

“It’s okay,” he murmured. “It’s okay, Adam. I forgive you.” He paused, continuing in a tone of gentle reproof. “You just have to trust me. I promise, I’m not going to let anything happen to you.”

 

Adam nodded, his voice barely over a whisper. “I know.”

 

“Danny’s not going to hurt you. I swear to you, you’re going to be perfectly safe.” Kris assured him. “Okay? Do you trust me?”

 

Adam swallowed hard, but nodded again, the single word he spoke barely audible, betraying his lingering apprehension.

 

“Y-yes.”

 

Kris hesitated a moment, considering backing down and letting Adam have his way as he had originally intended when leaving his room that morning – but then decided against it. Adam had given in instead, and Kris needed to hold his ground – to re-establish his dominance in their relationship. If he gave in now, it would only reinforce in Adam’s mind that his defiance had gained him his way.

 

“You’re going to go to Danny’s room tonight, just like every other time – and you’re going to be just fine. I promise.” Kris’s tone was reassuring but firm. “All right?”

 

Adam nodded again, silent.

 

“Do you trust me?” Kris asked once more, his voice hushed and thick with emotion.

 

Adam raised his head slowly to meet Kris’s eyes, and the depth of devotion and trust Kris saw there stole his breath, even before Adam spoke in a brave, intent tone that made Kris’s heart soar with love for him.

 

“Yes, Kris. Yes… I trust you."


	3. Chapter 3

Adam felt sick to his stomach as he made his way reluctantly down the hall to Danny’s room. In a weak act of rebellion (or maybe just self-preservation) he was dressed in a pair of worn, grey pajama pants and a long-sleeved black t-shirt, long faded through years of wear – quite possibly the least sexy ensemble he could have put together from his wardrobe.

 

He really, _really_ did _not_ want to do this.

 

He knew that although Danny might have been covering it well, he _was_ still angry about Adam’s innocent mockery a few nights earlier; but even if he hadn’t been, Adam still would not have looked forward to going to Danny’s room.

 

Even when he did not have a reason to do so, Danny seemed to take pleasure in making his nights as miserable as possible for Adam. He was careful never to cross certain lines, never to do anything so overtly threatening or hurtful as to cause Adam to go to Kris about it. He knew that despite Kris’s reservations about cutting him out of the regular rotation, Kris would do so in a heartbeat if he thought Adam was in any actual danger.

 

Still, every night after Danny had taken his pleasure of him, Adam left the room feeling dirty and degraded, exhausted and shaken and desperately relieved that it was over again – for another week, anyway. Each of the male Idols got one night a week with Adam, with the remaining two nights belonging to Kris, or Adam himself.

 

Danny’s nights were a source of constant dread for Adam, though he hadn’t ventured to mention it to Kris. After all, Danny hadn’t _really_ done anything so terrible.

 

Yet.

 

Adam had a terrible feeling that tonight, that might change.

 

 _But… I can’t lose Kris. If refusing to go to Danny means that Kris will leave me… then I’ll do whatever he wants. Anything… if he just won’t leave me… and if it gets too bad… if he tries to take it too far, then… then I’ll go talk to Kris. He won’t make me do anything I don’t want to do…_

 _Well… except this…_

 

Danny opened his bedroom door, fully clothed in a loose button down shirt and jeans. “Hey, Adam,” he greeted him in a disarmingly welcoming voice, stepping back to allow Adam to step inside. “Come on in.”

 

Adam swallowed hard, his mouth dry with fear as he reluctantly obeyed.

 

He knew better than to trust the soft smile on Danny’s face.

 

He was no sooner through the door than he felt Danny’s hand on the back of his neck, felt the heat of his breath against his neck as Danny ran his free hand slowly down Adam’s arm. His voice was hushed, suggestive.

 

“Aren’t you a little… over-dressed?”

 

Adam closed his eyes for a moment, fighting back the roiling nausea rising in his throat, as he began to obey the implicit command with trembling hands. He stripped off his t-shirt over his head, casting it aside, before hesitantly sliding his pajama pants down over his hips, allowing them to pool around his ankles and then stepping out of them.

 

He kept his eyes downcast, knowing better than to watch Danny as he slowly circled him in a predatory manner. Strangely, he held one of his hideous neckties clutched in his clenched fist. Once he was behind Adam, out of sight, Danny trailed the tie slowly around Adam’s neck, before abruptly clutching both ends of it in one hand, twisting it cruelly to cut off Adam’s breath.

 

Adam gasped for breath, instinctively raising his hands in a vain attempt to pull the taut fabric away from his throat as Danny maneuvered him a few steps across the room until they were standing next to the bed. Once Adam was where Danny wanted him to be, Danny jerked backward on the tie around Adam’s throat, pulling Adam’s head back so that Danny’s lips brushed his ear as he spoke in a low, menacing tone very different from his former calm, gentle words.

 

“Get on your knees... _bitch_.”

 

Unable to free himself from Danny’s suffocating grip, Adam complied, holding up his hands in a gesture of submission. Danny responded by easing his grip enough that Adam could breathe, but not releasing him entirely. Adam was shaking, flinching instinctively as Danny crouched beside him to meet his eyes with a cruel smile, clearly taking pleasure in his fear and dismay.

 

His voice was soft, patronizingly patient, as he ran a suggestive hand up Adam’s thigh. “It’s my night tonight, Adam. That means I get whatever I want.” He paused a moment before asking in a tone of calm, almost clinical interest, “What do you think I want?”

 

“I d-don’t know,” Adam gasped, the tight fabric around his throat allowing him to draw breath, but barely. He was fighting off panic, trying to maintain control of his careening emotions long enough to respond. “I don’t know, but… but I’ll do…I’ll give you… w-whatever you want. _Please_ …”

 

“Oh, I know you will, Adam,” Danny agreed with a slow nod, his cold smile never faltering. “And what I want…” He raised a hand to caress possessively down Adam’s cheek, his smirk twitching with malicious pleasure when Adam flinched. “… is for you to know better… than to _ever_ try to humiliate me again.”

 

Adam’s stomach lurched at the clear sadistic intent in Danny’s cold blue eyes. He wanted to stay, wanted to please Kris by submitting to what he’d asked of him – but he was suddenly not sure that he could make himself go through with it. Surely Kris wouldn’t expect him to stay and endure whatever vindictive torment Danny had planned for him.

 

“Don’t move,” Danny ordered softly, rising to his feet and finally allowing the tie to fall from around Adam’s neck.

 

Adam remained obediently in place, his arms folded defensively over his bare stomach, one hand anxiously fidgeting with the silk strip of fabric that had fallen in front of him, as Danny moved around the room behind him, making some kind of preparations for whatever he was planning. Adam couldn’t help but turn around and look over his shoulder at one point, but Danny’s back was turned to him, and Adam couldn’t see what he was doing.

 

For a moment, Adam considered simply fleeing the room… but where would he go?

 

He waited, trembling and utterly vulnerable, until Danny returned with an array of implements which he laid out on the bed, directly within Adam’s line of vision. He slowly sat down on the bed beside them, narrowed eyes taking in Adam’s reaction with obvious enjoyment. Adam’s stomach dropped at the sight of the various seemingly innocuous items, all of which took on a far more sinister appearance, in the context of Danny’s vindictive desire to make him suffer.

 

A cigarette lighter… a pocketknife… a narrow, black leather belt…

 

This was far more than Adam was willing to submit to.

 

He lurched backward away from the gruesome display, fumbling off of his knees and reaching for the side of the bed to pull himself back to his feet.

 

“No… no, I won’t…”

 

“Unh-uh…”

 

Danny stood quickly, grabbing Adam’s hair before he could stand and jerking him backward and down again, off balance so that he fell into a sitting position, his back against the bed. Danny released Adam’s hair, only to deliver a sharp backhanded blow across his face, dizzying enough to allow him to grasp Adam’s wrist and fasten it into one end of a pair of handcuffs. He swiftly attached the other end to the leg of the bed, then stood back with a grim smile of satisfaction on his face.

 

“... no, you’re not going anywhere.”

 

Adam shook his head to clear it from the blow, eyes widening in terror when he saw what Danny had done. He jerked uselessly against the cuffs, already knowing that they were in fact genuine, and he would not be able to free himself from them so easily. Danny had used them on him many times before – but never in a situation quite as dark and dangerous as this one appeared to be.

 

“No,” Adam cried out in panic, struggling. “No, you can’t do this! I don’t want to do this, I _won’t_! I need to talk to Kris… I need to go to Kris and ask him…”

 

“No, you don’t,” Danny cut him off in a disconcertingly soothing tone, kneeling in front of Adam and grasping his free hand, pinning it back against the bed. “Easy… calm down, Adam… calm down and listen to me…”

 

Adam was only further panicked by the added restraint, and struggled to free himself from Danny’s grasp. “No… _no_ …!”

 

“Adam, _shut the hell up_!”

 

Danny finally snapped, impatient, grasping his throat and forcing his head back against the bed. Adam froze, gasping for breath, shaking violently, his every muscle taut, in the grip of his instinctive but utterly thwarted fight or flight response. He struggled to slow his frantic breaths, to steady himself and calm down enough to think of a way out of this situation. After a few moments of tense silence, he finally responded in a hoarse, defiant whisper.

 

“Kris will kill you for this. Enjoy it, because he’ll never let you _touch_ me again…”

 

Danny let out a cruel laugh. “Oh, I _will_ enjoy it, Adam, trust me,” he sneered, before his smile faded into a dark, serious expression of cold satisfaction. “But you’re wrong. Kris won’t do a thing to me. He doesn’t care what I do to you, Adam. Tonight – I have a free pass.”

 

Adam’s heart lurched at those words, and he stared at Danny in horrified confusion, shaking his head slowly. “No… you’re lying…”

 

“He told me about what you did, Adam,” Danny continued, shaking his head with an exaggerated grimace of reproof. “How you defied him. He wasn’t very happy about that, was he?”

 

Adam’s eyes widened with stunned disbelief, and he stopped shaking his head. “He… he told you about that?” he whispered, his face flaming with humiliation.

 

Danny nodded in a falsely sad, sympathetic way. “Yeah. He did.” He paused, leaning in closer to Adam’s face, smiling against his ear as he added in a malicious whisper, “And he told me to help him teach you a lesson. Tonight, Adam… you don’t have the option of refusing. If you don’t do as I say, then… well… Kris will know that you really don’t give a damn about pleasing him, do you?”

 

“Yes, I do,” Adam argued, his voice trembling, his eyes welling with tears of confusion and fear and betrayal. “I _do_ …”

 

“Then you’ll do _exactly_ as I say… no matter how much you hate it… how much it disgusts you…” Danny’s breath against Adam’s ear made him shiver as Danny added in a hushed tone of soft menace, “… how much it _hurts_ …” He drew back finally, head lowered in an attempt to meet Adam’s downcast eyes. “… to prove to Kris that you’re really willing to submit to him. Okay?”

 

Adam hesitated, painfully confused and utterly terrified. He looked up at Danny at last, a stubborn refusal in his eyes. “Kris wouldn’t let you do this. He wouldn’t make me…”

 

Danny slapped him, hard, cutting off his words and filling his mouth with the coppery taste of his own blood, as the stars slowly faded from his vision.

 

“He would,” he stated softly. “He _has_. And if you don’t care what he wants, then…” Danny made a grand gesture toward the door before reaching into his pocket and taking out the key to the handcuffs, holding it out in his palm for Adam to take. “… by all means… walk out that door. Go on, Adam. Leave.” He slowly closed his hand around the key, a nasty smile forming on his lips as he shook his head and added, “Just don’t go to _his_ room when you do.”

 

Adam was quiet for a long moment, staring between the longed for key in Danny’s hand, and the door on the other side of the room. He swallowed hard, torn between the threat of Danny’s vicious, vindictive desires – and the threat of losing Kris.

 

In the end, there was no question as to which threat held the greater power.

 

“Okay,” he whispered. “Okay… I’ll… I’ll do whatever you want. Just… please…” He looked up to meet Danny’s eyes again, his own tormented and filled with dread. “… just make sure and tell him I did?”

 

Danny’s smile softened with deceptive compassion as he knelt in front of Adam, a harsh hand fisting in his hair and drawing him close for a kiss that started off gentle, but grew increasingly possessive and dominating. Danny’s teeth raked across Adam’s lower lip, hard enough to draw blood, as he finally pulled away, his tone as patient and sympathetic as ever.

 

“Of course I will.”

 

Greedy, lustful hands trailed over Adam’s exposed body, and he shuddered with revulsion, but forced himself to submit to the unwelcome touch. The horrific night he knew he was in for stretched before him like a never-ending nightmare – except he knew that eventually, it _would_ end.

 

And when it did… he would still belong to Kris.


	4. Chapter 4

By the time Danny was finished, Adam was a shaking, tear-stained, battered wreck.

 

He huddled in the narrow space between the bed and the wall, his knees drawn up under him, his cheek pressed against the cool surface of the wall behind him. He stared into space, his eyes wide, red-rimmed and shell-shocked, rubbing his bruised, chafed wrists where the cuffs had cut into them during the long hours Danny had forced him to wear them. His wrists were the least of his worries, however.

 

Everything hurt.

 

His face felt swollen and tender from the blows Danny had delivered, as well as the none-too-gentle manner in which he had abused Adam’s mouth. He guessed that he would probably be badly bruised in the morning, if he was not already; judging by the state of the rest of his body, that was probably an accurate assumption. The pale skin of his torso and abdomen was mottled with countless dark bruises and other marks from Danny’s sadistic games.

 

Adam was still naked – not by his own choice. As soon as it had become apparent that Danny was finished with him, Adam had crawled toward his discarded clothes, eager for what meager semblance of protection they would afford him; but Danny had kicked him viciously and snarled at him that he’d _tell_ him when he could get dressed.

 

So Adam waited in numb silence, trying to shut out the degradation and pain of the past few hours, while Danny lay on his bed lazily recovering from his night of twisted debauchery. When Danny finally sat up and seemed to take notice of Adam again, he cringed, tensing as Danny moved toward him. He didn’t know what to expect at this point – couldn’t conceive of anything Danny could do to him now that would be worse than what he’d already done – but he knew better than to expect any kindness or mercy from the man who’d spent the last four hours torturing him without pity.

 

Danny crouched beside Adam, a cold smile on his lips as he reached out to touch Adam’s bruised cheek. Adam jerked away from him instinctively, and Danny’s smile instantly faded. He grasped Adam’s jaw in a hard, painful grip, forcing him to face him. He turned Adam’s face back and forth, coldly inspecting the damage before finally releasing him and leaning in closer.

 

He ran a deceptively gentle hand through Adam’s hair as he advised softly “You’d better make sure and cover that up before leaving your room tomorrow. Wouldn’t want anyone noticing it and deciding it’s time to expose our whole group’s little secret, would we?”

 

Adam swallowed hard, his stomach quaking with fear and humiliation at the confusing gentleness of Danny’s words and touch. He shook his head, closing his eyes and turning his head away, struggling not to break down completely.

 

Danny had already seen enough of Adam’s shame for one night.

 

“Good boy,” Danny sneered softly, and Adam’s face flamed at the patronizing, belittling tone he used. “Now get up and get dressed. Go back to your own room and clean yourself up a little. Then, you’d better go let Kris know you did as he said. He was almost sure you wouldn’t go through with it.” Danny paused, and Adam flinched at the amused approval he heard in his voice when he went on. “I’m impressed. He will be, too.”

 

Adam’s stomach lurched at the reminder of the part that Kris had played in all of this, and he swallowed back a rush of bile that filled his throat. Danny’s words pushed out a little more of the desperate doubts to which he was trying to cling – the thought that maybe Danny had lied, maybe Kris hadn’t meant for this to happen to him.

 

 _If Danny’s_ telling _me to go to Kris… to tell him what happened… then he’s not worried about what Kris might do – which means that he was telling the truth, and Kris_ knew _he was going to hurt me, knew I was going to want to refuse, and really did this to me on purpose…_

 

 _Kris let this happen… Kris wanted me to let Danny do this…_

 _Why would he do this to me?_

Adam waited until Danny had moved away a little to grasp the side of the bed in a trembling hand and pull himself up on legs that felt weak and achy with pain and exhaustion. He warily kept his back turned away from Danny as he gathered his clothing and took them into the bathroom.

 

The bright fluorescence of the lights revealed the damage Danny had done in merciless clarity. After the first accidental glance, Adam couldn’t make himself look at his reflection as he slowly, painfully put on his clothes. His eyes seemed locked in a downward position; he was unable to raise them enough even to meet _his own_ eyes in the mirror.

 

When he was finally ready, he took a deep, tremulous breath, his hand tight on the doorknob, hoping desperately that Danny would have left the room already when he stepped out of the bathroom.

 

He hadn’t.

 

Danny was waiting just outside the bathroom door, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest and a smug smile on his lips. As Adam started to move past him, Danny caught his arm and pushed him up against the door jamb, leaning in close to his face. His smile widened when Adam flinched, closing his downcast eyes, a convulsive swallow visible in his throat – steeling himself for whatever else Danny intended to do to him.

 

“Look at me, Adam.” Danny’s voice was deadly soft.

 

Adam reluctantly opened his eyes and with a supreme effort met the cold gaze of his abuser. Danny just smirked at him, malicious amusement dancing in his eyes as he leaned in and pressed a firm, invasive kiss to Adam’s mouth – a kiss that somehow managed to be as great a violation as anything else Danny had done to him in the past few hours. Danny withdrew after what felt like an eternity, holding Adam in place with vise-like hands on his arms, and leaning in to whisper against his ear.

 

“See you next week.”

 

Adam shuddered, his face flushing with humiliation when Danny laughed and finally let him go.

 

He stumbled from the room, blindly making his way down the hallway toward his own. He hesitated outside Kris’s door, biting the corner of his lip as he momentarily considered knocking – and then decided against it.

 

He simply couldn’t face Kris right then.

 

Exhausted and shaken and sick at heart, Adam locked himself into his own room, stripping off the clothes he’d just thrown on as he made his way immediately into the bathroom. He dropped to his aching, battered knees in front of the toilet, and the pain that motion caused only intensified the building nausea in his stomach.

 

When his stomach was empty, his entire body quivering with the shock and trauma of what had happened, Adam weakly climbed to his feet again and took out his toothbrush. He spent more than half an hour in a vain attempt to scrub his mouth clean of the memory of Danny’s taste. Then, he stepped into the shower and stood under the steaming spray, where he had the same measure of success in washing away the feel of Danny’s cruel, grasping hands.

 

He wrapped his robe around him as he got out of the shower, then stumbled wearily out into the main room. He shivered in the cool air that hit him with greater force after the steamy heat of the shower, and collapsed face down across his bed. Trembling with cold, he drew the bedspread over him, heedless of the wetness slowly seeping into it from his damp body. He knew it’d feel terrible when he woke up, but it didn’t matter.

 

He couldn’t imagine how he could possibly feel any worse than he did already.

 

*****************************

 

The next morning, Kris was eager to get to Adam’s room and make sure that he was okay.

 

He knew the previous night could not have been easy for him.

 

He had talked to Danny, warning him against using his night as an opportunity to take out his anger on Adam; and Danny had promised him that he would not. Still, Kris knew that Danny tended to be rougher with Adam than any of the others. On an ordinary morning following Danny’s night, it was not unusual for Kris to find a few bruises or scratches on Adam’s body.

 

He didn’t like it; it made his possessive, protective hackles rise in jealous, defensive anger at the sight – but Adam had never complained.

 

 _Some people just like it a little rougher than others,_ Kris told himself. _If Adam really has a problem with it, he could have it stopped. Obviously he doesn’t think it’s that big a deal._

 

But he had a feeling that last night, Danny’s ordinary behavior might have seemed like a bigger deal than usual to Adam.

 

Kris unlocked the door to Adam’s room and slipped quietly inside, not wanting to wake him if he was still asleep. The heavy shades were drawn and the room was still quite dark, but he could clearly see that Adam’s bed was empty. The light in the bathroom was on, the door cracked slightly open, and Kris could hear the sounds of Adam’s morning routine from inside.

 

He quietly approached the door and edged it open a bit further, smiling at the familiar sight of Adam putting on his makeup. He was almost finished, but hadn’t seemed to notice Kris’s presence yet; so Kris pushed the door the rest of the way open and leaned in the doorway, clearing his throat to draw Adam’s attention.

 

His lazy amusement faded away when Adam leapt up from his seat, eyes wide and panicked, pulling his unfastened robe tightly closed around him. Kris frowned, standing up straight again and taking a step into the tiny room.

 

“Adam?” He spoke in a cautious, gentle voice, holding out his hands in a gesture of harmlessness. “Adam, what’s the matter?”

 

Adam immediately tried to cover his instinctive reaction, running a shaky hand through his as yet unstyled hair, his breath ragged and uneven as he struggled to find the words to explain.

 

“I… I’m sorry, I just… you startled me, and… I’m sorry…”

 

“Adam, easy,” Kris murmured soothingly, a frown of concern creasing his brow as he closed a bit more of the distance between them. “It’s okay. It’s no big deal. Calm down, okay? I’m not going to hurt you…”

 

He reached Adam and extended a careful hand to grasp his elbow, trying to pull him gently closer. Adam jerked away from him, stumbling back against the far wall, scrambling to pull his robe closed again as it fell open momentarily. Kris was confused – and a little irritated, really – by Adam’s reaction, because Adam had _never_ acted genuinely afraid of _him_ before.

 

“I did what you wanted,” Adam informed him in a trembling voice that carried a strange note of resentment. “I did what you said. Ask Danny.”

 

“I know you did.” Kris stared at him, shaking his head in bewildered confusion. “Of course you did. Adam, what’s gotten into…”

 

Kris’s voice trailed off, however, and his immediate reaction of mild indignation at Adam’s resistance faded away instantly as his thoughts finally caught up with what had been revealed to his eyes in that brief moment before Adam had managed to cover himself again. He froze, staring at Adam’s trembling hands, desperately holding the robe closed over his stomach. His back was pressed against the far wall by this point, and he frantically shook his head, somehow sensing what Kris had just realized, as Kris slowly moved nearer to him.

 

“Don’t,” Adam whispered. “Kris, don’t… please…”

 

Kris’s voice was quiet but commanding, trembling with apprehension as he gently closed his hands over Adam’s.

 

“Adam… let me see.”

 

“No,” Adam objected pleadingly. “No, don’t. It’s no big deal; it’s nothing. Please, don’t…”

 

 _He didn’t come to me… didn’t protest, last night… and he could have. Maybe he’s telling the truth. Maybe it’s nothing…_

 

Kris hesitated, not wanting to further upset Adam, but urgently needing to know for sure that he was all right. He looked Adam over carefully from head to toe, searching for some sign, some explanation for his behavior that he could find without insisting that Adam give up his last shred of privacy – until his gaze froze around Adam’s neck, at the sight of a line of pale purple wrapping around his throat to the back of his neck.

 

Kris slowly, cautiously, raised a hand to brush the backs of his fingers against Adam’s cheek, before lowering that hand to gently trail beneath the collar of the robe. Adam let out a whimper of pleading protest, shaking his head, turning his face away, as Kris drew it down slightly – and let out a gasp of shock when he saw the matching lines beneath the first one.

 

 _Fingerprints. Like he’s been choked._

 _What the hell does Gokey think gives him the right…_

 

“I have to see, Adam,” Kris softly stated, his voice no less unyielding for the compassion it carried. “You have to let me see.”

 

Adam swallowed convulsively, his eyes closed, still shaking his head in denial – even as he allowed his trembling hands to drop the crumpled fabric they’d clasped so tightly. Kris held his hands a moment longer, trying to convey silent reassurance, before taking the edges of the robe in his hands and pulling it open to reveal the places that Adam’s makeup could not cover.

 

His stomach lurched, rebelling at the sight of the livid purple and red marks that scarred Adam’s chest and stomach. Adam flinched, as if somehow sensing the dark, roiling rage that began to well up deep inside Kris. Kris’s jaw worked with repressed fury as he struggled to control his own reaction to the shocking evidence before him.

 

 _Because Adam_ needs _me to control it. Adam doesn’t need anything else to scare him to death right now…_

 

 _Adam needs to tell me…_

 

“Adam…” Kris raised a gentle hand to his cheek, turning Adam’s face back toward his own and patiently waiting until Adam reluctantly met his eyes. His voice trembled with quiet anger, each word carefully measured and controlled, as he held Adam’s gaze and demanded softly, “… what happened last night?"


	5. Chapter 5

_What happened last night?_

 

Adam was as confused by Kris's question as by the smoldering rage in his eyes. He had no idea what Kris expected from him at this point. He had done everything Kris had asked of him, submitting to the most vile and degrading things that Danny had demanded of him, just to keep Kris from being angry with him.

 

 _What does he think I did wrong?_

 

Adam knew that Kris had wanted to punish him for resisting his orders before, and that's why he'd let Danny hurt him -- but wasn't what he’d already done more than enough? He felt a fresh wave of nausea come over him at the painfully fresh memories of the night before, and he swallowed it back, repressing the accompanying shudder as best he could while he struggled to find the right answer to Kris's question.

 

Kris was obviously angry -- _Still? Again?_ \-- and Adam had no idea why. He had surrendered every last vestige of his pride and self-worth just to prove his devotion, his submission to his lover’s dominance.

 

What more could Kris possibly ask of him?

 

"Adam. Answer me."

 

Kris's voice was stern and commanding, and Adam’s confusion was only amplified by the contrastingly gentle touch of Kris's hand on his arm. He instinctively flinched away from it, his stomach lurching with fear that was, admittedly, mostly residual from his nightmare of the past few hours.

 

 _Mostly_.

 

Adam stumbled back against the bathroom wall, barely daring to glance up at Kris's face through eyes carefully lowered in submission. When he finally did, however, he was surprised to see a look of shocked dismay on Kris's face, as he shook his head slowly in confusion at Adam's reaction.

 

"Adam... it's okay. What's the matter with you? I just wanna... wanna _help_ you, okay?"

 

Adam's swallowed hard to dampen his dry mouth, fighting to steady his raw and tortured nerves. His voice barely sounded like his own when he finally ventured a soft, questioning observation. "Y-you're... you're _angry_..."

 

"Not with _you_!" Kris insisted. "Adam... I just want to know what happened to you... who hurt you. You didn't do anything wrong. Please... just tell me."

 

Kris paused, edging nearer to his skittish partner, who tensed but by this point could not possibly move any farther away. His back was already pressed against the wall. Adam drew in a soft breath as Kris touched him again, just the barest brush of his fingertips against the strip of pale, bruised skin exposed where his robe had fallen open slightly.

 

"What happened?" Kris repeated, his voice hushed and coaxing. "Adam... did Danny do this to you?"

 

Adam frowned, shaking his head slowly, at a loss to understand Kris's strange behavior. His voice was barely over a whisper, utterly disbelieving, when he incredulously replied.

 

"Of _course._ "

 

Kris didn't say anything, but his jaw worked with anger, and Adam felt his damaged spirit quailing again under the force of his obvious rage. In the past few hellish hours, the fight had been brutally driven from him, replaced by shame and confusion and brokenness, until he no longer knew any reaction to a perceived threat but retreat – and Kris looked rather threatening at the moment. He looked like he was ready to tear into the next person who spoke a wrong word to him.

 

Adam desperately wanted to _not_ be that person.

 

He drew in a sharp, shaky breath before launching into a rambling, nervous explanation, hoping to appease Kris's inexplicable anger.

 

"I…I did everything you said. I... didn't try to stop him. I let him do whatever he wanted. I... I d-didn't want to, and I wanted to come to you, but I didn't. I just... gave him what he wanted, just like you... just like you said... Please, Kris, I did what you wanted..."

 

"Wait… Adam, wait, what I... what I _wanted_?" Kris echoed in horrified disbelief, shaking his head in bewilderment.

 

Adam studied his expression for a long moment, taking it in and slowly processing it through the trauma and pain and exhaustion that muddled his thoughts. The pieces gradually came together in his mind, until all at once he realized with a rush of hot shame and self-directed fury what had happened.

 

Danny had lied to him.

 

 _Of course_ Danny had lied to him -- because Kris would never allow something like this to happen to him…

 

A dark thought filled Adam's mind, as he slowly looked up at Kris again, a sick, cold feeling settling in the pit of his stomach with a new and agonizing realization – a realization that changed everything.

 

 _Kris would never let Danny do this… never let this happen to me…_

 _Except that... he_ did _..._

*****************************

 

Kris was already putting the pieces of the puzzle together in his mind when Adam suddenly slumped against the wall, resting his face in one hand as he let out a heavy sigh. The sinking sensation Kris felt told him that he already had the basic idea of what Adam was going to tell him.

 

He was going to _kill_ Danny…

 

"I'm so _stupid_ ," he muttered, shaking his head. "It's just that... Danny said..."

 

"What did Danny say?" Kris demanded. Though he already knew the answer, he wanted to hear it from Adam's lips -- to know for sure what he was dealing with before he went down the hall and tore Danny's head from his body. "What did he tell you I said, Adam?"

 

Adam slowly lowered his hand, raising his face to meet Kris's fiery gaze; and there was something cold and dead and unnaturally calm in his usually sparkling, animated gaze -- something that started an unsettled sensation of vague fear, a nameless apprehensive tightening in Kris's chest. Adam's words were quiet, measured, and utterly controlled when he finally answered.

 

"He said... you gave him permission to do whatever he wanted. That for last night... my right to refuse him had been revoked. By you. He told me that if I tried to call out for help... if I tried to exercise my right to appeal to you... if I walked out of his room and refused to do whatever he told me to do, I might as well not ever come back to you, because you'd want nothing more to do with me. He said... it was my punishment. You’d decided I needed to be… taught a lesson. For... resisting you the night before."

 

"How the hell did he even know..."

 

"It doesn't matter, does it?"

 

Adam cut off Kris's sputtering, indignant words, holding his gaze with quiet resignation as he looked away, pulling his robe closed around him and crossing his arms over his body in a subconsciously defensive gesture – and it made Kris’s chest hurt, because it felt like Adam was shutting him out.

 

"Does it?” Adam repeated, a subtle edge to his voice. “It's done, anyway. He tied me down, and he did what he wanted to me, regardless of what I wanted. _He_ got what _he_ wanted. And... I thought... so did you."

 

"No." Kris objected emphatically, taking a step closer to Adam, his hands urgently grasping Adam's arms in a desperate attempt to get Adam to open up to him again, willing hiim to see the regret and protective anger Kris felt on his behalf. "No, Adam, Danny is a _liar_! I would _never_ do something like that to you, do you understand me? I would _never_..." He shook his head, his voice trailing off as he struggled for control of his careening emotions. "I would never take away your right to refuse _anyone_ \-- not even me! This entire arrangement is by your choice, Adam, and that means that you always have the right to call any of this off, whenever you want -- _always_!"

 

Adam was painfully still in Kris's grasp, his head slightly turned away, his face deliberately stony and impassive. He was terribly stiff, just short of being actually resistant, under Kris's insistent but gentle hands. A convulsive swallow was visible in his throat as he closed his eyes for a moment, drawing in a deep breath. When he finally spoke, his voice was barely over a breath, but the words he spoke were like a blow, driving the breath from Kris's lungs and inflicting a deep, sharp ache in his chest with the agonizing, simple truth in them.

 

" _Except last night_."

 

Kris flinched, shaking his head slowly in desperate denial -- except that he _couldn't_ deny this. The evidence of his own guilt was right there before his eyes, in every bruise and mark that Danny had inflicted upon Adam's willing body -- willing only because he'd thought it was what Kris wanted, thought it was the only thing that would make Kris forgive him.

 

 _Forgive him... for what? For wanting a little bit of control over who touches him? For daring to trust his own instincts more than he trusted me? And his instincts were right. Just_ look _at him._

 

 _You did this, Kris Allen._ You _did this._

 

Kris had no words that could make right what he had done. He had no explanations or excuses. Danny might have been the one to physically hurt Adam, to lie to him about Kris’s intentions and tie him down and abuse and violate him.

 

But he couldn't have done any of it… if Kris hadn't let him.

 

Kris's hands fell away from Adam's body, and he bore the sting of it as his due when Adam visibly relaxed at the removal of his touch. Why _should_ Adam want Kris to touch him, he wondered, after all? Why should Adam want to have anything to do with him ever again, after what he’d allowed to be done to him?

 

Overcome with guilt and shame and self-directed disgust, Kris had no idea what to do or say to even begin to make this right. There was no logical reason for Adam to forgive him – no words of apology that could possibly make up for the harm he’d caused. So he did the only thing that came to his mind, the only thing that he could think to do in this awful moment of devastating reality.

 

He fled.

 

*******************************

 

Kris didn't think about where he was heading as he rushed down the hall, blinking back angry tears from his eyes. He stalked past the refuge his own room would have provided, storming several yards further until he reached another of the rooms rented for the Idol tour.

 

He pounded furiously on the door, not caring that he was probably awakening other guests -- maybe even others from their group -- with the racket he was creating at this ungodly hour of the morning. He didn’t stop, even when a couple of doors along the hall opened and the sleepy, irritated occupants peered out at him indignantly.

 

Finally, Danny opened his door, wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and an open button down shirt. Before Danny could say anything, Kris shoved past him into the room, slamming the door behind him and stalking right up into Danny’s face.

 

Danny’s face slowly went from sleepy, stunned confusion to dim understanding… and then, inexplicably, infuriatingly… to smug amusement.

 

“So. Your little whore couldn’t keep his mouth shut.”

 

Danny’s mouth was open, poised to say more – but he didn’t get the chance. Kris’s fist made contact in the next moment, sending Danny staggering gracelessly backward before crashing to the floor.


	6. Chapter 6

Kris didn't give Danny time to recover as he stalked across the room to stand over him, delivering a vicious kick to his midsection that caused Danny to fold in on himself with a groan of pain, protectively covering his stomach from the blows he knew were still to come.

 

"What the _hell_ were you thinking?" Kris demanded, seething, furious, on the verge of losing control completely. His voice was low, dangerous and measured – very different than the type of tone Danny was used to hearing from him. "What makes you think… that you have the right..."

 

Kris didn't wait for an answer -- didn't even finish the question -- just reached down and dragged Danny up by his shirt, only to forcefully slam him back down to the floor and kick him again. Danny coughed and raised one hand in front of him in a defensive gesture as he grabbed at the side of the bed with the other to try to pull himself up.

 

"You pretty much _gave_ me the right, Allen," Danny choked out, his words punctuated by a laugh tinged with madness. "You're the one who refused to let him back out of my night when he asked you, right? You insisted that he do what you said, regardless of what _he_ wanted. What do you think that means?"

 

"It doesn't mean anything as far as you're concerned," Kris snarled, furiously defensive, as he lashed out with his fist across Danny's face again, desperate to silence his challenging words. "Whatever arrangement I had with Adam was between me and him. _You_ had nothing to do with it! How would you have any idea what happened between us – what we talked about – anyway?" he demanded, pausing between blows long enough to allow Danny to answer – and by necessity, to rise painfully to his feet as he did.

 

Danny's lip was bleeding, and the skin around his right eye was already red and swollen, but he smirked and shrugged carelessly as he responded. "Thin walls… doors. You can hear anything if you're listening in the right place at the right time. And it didn’t hurt that the two of you had most of that argument out in the middle of the hallway where _anyone_ could hear."

 

Despite the pain Kris had already inflicted, Danny seemed proud, satisfied, vindictively pleased with himself. Kris found it even more infuriating. He lashed out again, though this time Danny managed to block the blow, awkwardly swinging out with one of his own. Kris easily dodged it and brought his fist in at an angle to plunge into the side of Danny's stomach, doubling him over in pain.

 

"How did you think you were going to get away with a thing like this, Danny?" Kris demanded. "Did you really think I wouldn't find out about it?"

 

"You shouldn't have." Danny's tone was grim, his smile fading somewhat as he edged away from the side of the bed, giving himself more room to maneuver. "Adam wasn't supposed to say anything. Stupid little whore."

 

Those words were only fuel on the fire of Kris's rage, and he followed Danny, hitting him again. Danny was clearly not much of a fighter -- but then, neither was Kris, and his hands were already starting to ache from the repeated impact of the beating he was delivering.

 

He didn't care.

 

Danny had hurt Adam, and Danny didn't get to get away with that. No one did. Adam was the innocent in all of this, the one who'd been given no control in the situation -- made helpless and then, in that helpless state, abused. The least Kris could do was endure a little discomfort to bring his abuser a little bit of justice.

 

 _And besides... it's not like I don't deserve it..._

 _I deserve to get beat down like Danny…_

 

Kris lashed out in fury, not allowing Danny to get a blow in as he pummeled him with his fists until he crashed to the floor again, then continued kicking him until he was too exhausted to strike again. Danny was groaning and wheezing on the floor, his hands bloodied with defensive wounds, grasping at his battered stomach as Kris crouched on the floor in front of him, his breath deep and rapid as he struggled to recover from the exertion of his own actions.

 

"You over-estimated your own power, Danny," Kris stated in a soft voice that trembled with restrained rage. "You thought you could keep him quiet just by sheer intimidation? You thought wrong. And if you think you can get back at me by making this public? Don't bother. You talk to the press – to _anyone_ – about this – and yeah, my reputation will take a hit. All of ours will, except maybe yours, if you can convince everybody that you weren’t a part of it."

 

Kris was quiet for a moment as Danny looked up to meet his eyes through a haze of pain, clearly waiting for Kris to make his point.

 

"I'm willing to take that chance," Kris went on softly, his voice gradually coming under his control again. "But I swear to you, Danny, if you _touch_ Adam again... I _will_ kill you. I don't care what happens to me afterwards; I will _not_ let you hurt him again. And as for going public? Whatever. Do it." Kris shrugged, a smug smile forming on his lips. "If you do, and we all get dragged through the mud for this... then you’ll be the only one who’ll end up with a lot worse than a damaged reputation."

 

"Oh yeah?" Danny sneered, trying not to look worried, though there was a trace of fear and uncertainty creeping into his defiant gaze. "What's that?"

 

"Try rape charges," Kris snapped, his eyes narrowed and his voice taut with fury and disgust. "Because that's what you did, Danny. You used coercion and false pretenses to force him into doing whatever you wanted, when you knew it was against his will. That's _rape_ , Danny. And I might lose my recording contract and my career -- but _you_ might go to _prison_ for the next twenty years." He shrugged again as he stood up straight. "Your call."

 

Kris turned without another word and headed toward the door, feeling only a little better for the vengeance he had taken on Adam's behalf. He knew that Danny deserved much worse than he was capable of doling out – and that _he_ deserved as much or more than Danny did for what he’d allowed to happen.

 

"Maybe you’re right." Danny's voice was hoarse and weak, but the edge in his tone stopped Kris in his tracks. He didn't turn, merely waited in silence for Danny to continue. "Maybe I stand to lose a little more out of this than you do. But when you really think about it… when you’re really honest with yourself, Kris Allen… how is what _I_ did... any different... from what _you_ did to him?"

 

Kris's hands clenched into fists at his sides, and he flinched at those words, his heart smitten with a painful, searing accusation for which he had no answer. He couldn't speak for a long moment, before he finally swallowed back the bile that rose in his throat and forced his trembling lips to form an answer. He didn't turn, didn't look at Danny as he stated with soft, undeniable certainty.

 

"Don't try it, Danny. I promise you, you'll get the worst end of the deal."

 

He left Danny’s room, closing the door quietly behind him and making his way back toward Adam’s room. He took a deep breath, struggling to remain calm, his mind racing trying to come up with the words to apologize for what he’d allowed – _No,_ caused _, Kris. Man up and admit it. You_ caused _this._ – to happen to Adam. He was shaking, but he squared his shoulders and determined to face whatever Adam wanted to throw at him.

 

He deserved it.

 

He finally knocked on the door, holding his breath as he waited for a response – but none came. He swallowed hard, a tight ache building in his chest as he bit his lower lip and knocked again.

 

“Adam?” He spoke softly near the door. “Are you awake?”

 

Kris couldn’t imagine that Adam would have gone anywhere in the twenty minutes or so it had taken him to deal with Danny – certainly not in his battered physical condition. Kris hesitated, unwilling to go back to his own room and leave matters between them in such a horribly unresolved state. He wanted Adam to know what he’d done to Danny in his defense… how far he was willing to go to make it up to him…

 

… how sorry he was.

 

“ _Adam_ ,” he called again, a little louder and a little firmer, wincing at the instinctive note of command that came into his voice unbidden. “It’s me, open the door.”

 

Adam didn’t.

 

Kris considered for a moment before reaching into his pocket for the extra key he’d used to get into Adam’s room before. If Adam wouldn’t open the door, well, then he’d just have to open it himself and insist that they deal with this.

 

Except – Kris didn’t _have_ his key, he realized with dismay.

 

He closed his eyes with a weary sigh, resting his head against the door as his mind flew back to when he’d first entered the room a few minutes earlier. He’d tossed his key down on the dresser, where he’d easily remember it later. He’d had far different plans for himself and Adam when he’d first come here – before he’d seen the damage Danny had done, and his plans had abruptly changed.

 

 _And now I can’t get to Adam… can’t talk to him… can’t get him to let me in at all…_

 _What if he won’t let me apologize? What if he won’t forgive me at all?_

 _What if we’re over?_

 

Panic began creeping in around the edges of Kris’s thoughts, and he knocked harder on the door, raising his voice, trying to keep out the trembling note of desperation it held.

 

“ _Adam_! Come on, Adam, I need to talk to you! Open the door!”

 

Kris felt a disconcerting sense of déjà vu as someone down the hall peered out at him in annoyance, and realized that if he kept this up, this early in the morning, he’d likely gain the unwelcome attention of their managers; and he was not looking forward to explaining any part of this ugly situation with anyone not directly involved with it.

 

With no other choice, he finally gave up, lowering his head and leaning against the door, his palm pressed pleadingly against the cool, unyielding surface.

 

“Adam,” he whispered, almost certain that Adam couldn’t hear him. “Please. _Please_.”

 

******************************

 

“Adam… _please_ …”

 

Adam clearly heard the whispered words, from where he sat with his back against the door, his knees drawn up in front of him and his face resting in his folded arms. Tears flowed freely from his eyes despite his efforts to control his emotions, to keep from feeling the hurt and betrayal he felt at Kris’s actions…

 

… to keep from feeling the desperate, longing need to open the door and let Kris in again.

 

 _You can’t. Not now. Not after what he’s done… what he’s turned this into._

Adam knew that eventually they’d have to talk, have to work out the complex and troubling issues that had arisen from this latest horrific incident that, admittedly, neither of them had intended. Despite their intentions, however, it had happened – and far too recently for Adam to be ready to talk about it. Still, he hesitated at the soft, pleading sound of Kris’s voice, aching to rise and turn and open the door.

 

He shook with the effort to keep himself still as the soft sound of Kris’s footsteps slowly faded away down the hall – and then let himself go, his tremors increasing in violence as he allowed the deep sobs welling up within him to take him.

 

 _Oh, Kris… I don’t want to lose you…_

 _… but I’d rather lose_ you _than_ me.


	7. Chapter 7

When the handlers saw Danny's face a few hours later, the drama _really_ began.

 

All of the Idols were kept in the room where they'd met to have breakfast and taken one at a time into a little side room to be questioned. Whoever was not being questioned at the moment waited in the larger room, most of them tense, worried, and utterly confused.

 

Most of them had no idea what had happened.

 

Kris and Adam both played it cool, doing their best to seem as confused and clueless as the others. The handlers had no knowledge of the secret arrangement that had been taking place among the Idols for the past few weeks, and therefore had no reason to suspect that Adam or Kris might know more than the others. Adam's makeup covered his own injuries well, and he had developed an expert poker face by this point.

 

Kris wished that his was as good; he hoped the sick sensation of terror he felt at the prospect of being caught did not show on his face, but he was well aware that most things did. Somehow, however, he made it through the tense interview with the handlers without saying a word -- and without freaking out and breaking down and confessing everything.

 

Barely.

 

None outside the three directly involved knew anything specific about what had happened the night before, and none of them mentioned anything about the arrangement among the guys regarding Adam. Even Danny kept his mouth stubbornly shut as the handlers asked him about how he'd gotten the glaring purple bruises that covered his face and the bloody defensive wounds that scored his hands.

 

At one point, the raised, frustrated voices of the handlers coming from the side room where Danny was being questioned informed the other Idols of his refusal to cooperate, and Adam and Kris exchanged a momentary, almost accidental look. It was sheer instinct; they hadn’t spoken since Kris had left Adam’s room early that morning. They were the only ones who knew what had happened, and they both knew the potential consequences should Danny break under the pressure.

 

Kris only hoped that he had made those consequences seem far more threatening to Danny than whatever consequences the handlers were threatening if he didn’t explain what happened.

 

The questioning process took well over an hour, delaying their travel schedule for the day. At last, the handlers gave up, storming out of the room, frustrated, snapping at the Idols to stay put while they made sure the buses were ready, and warning them that this was not by any means over.

 

The girls were utterly confused, quietly questioning among themselves and the guys, having no idea who might have hurt Danny or why. Despite the fact that none of them knew for sure what had happened, most of the guys had a better idea.

 

They all knew that the previous night had been Danny's night.

 

Danny's darker tendencies, while never overtly mentioned among the group, were a sort of secret yet common knowledge among the guys. Although Adam had never complained, never refused to go to Danny to this point, it was not a surprising concept to any of them that Danny might have pushed things too far, and received his injuries as a consequence of that overstep.

 

Once on the bus, Danny did not pause to talk to anyone; he walked immediately to the bunks at the back and closed himself into his own space -- clearly unwilling to face any questions they might have had for him.

 

Adam looked as if he had been about to head for the bunks himself, but he froze when he saw Danny go there ahead of him, and instead sank down at one of the seats around the small table near the center of the bus. Resting his elbow on the table and his face in his hand, he let out a deep, shaky breath, visibly struggling to steady himself.

 

Kris kept his distance, sitting down in the seat directly behind the driver's compartment, huddling in on himself so that he appeared even smaller than usual in a clear, visible signal that any advances from the others would be firmly, immediately rejected.

 

The others awkwardly chose seats, casting uncomfortable looks at one another, all of them unsure how to react or what to say in the midst of this difficult situation, the nature of which they could only guess at.

 

Matt was the bravest of them all, and ventured to sit down cautiously in the seat beside Adam. Had Adam been looking up at his face, he might have seen that there was nothing but concern in Matt's expression -- but Adam wasn't looking at him as Matt reached out a tentative hand to rest on his leg, just above his knee.

 

"Hey, man," he said in a voice that was uncharacteristically soft and gentle. "You okay? What the hell happened last...?"

 

He never got the chance to finish the question. Adam instantly jerked away from him, shoving him hard with both hands and knocking him off the seat and onto the floor on his ass. Adam stood up abruptly, glaring down at Matt in fearful defiance, as Matt stared up at him in incredulous, wounded disbelief, too caught off guard by the attack to even get up at first.

 

The other guys stared back and forth between the two, stunned by Adam's unexpectedly violent reaction -- all except Kris, who kept his eyes averted, sorrow and regret etched into his expression, because he knew all too well why Adam had reacted as he had.

Adam's voice trembled with taut, desperate emotion as he turned his furious eyes – more arresting then ever, now blazing with defiant challenge – on each of the others in turn. Though there were tears shining in his eyes, there was no doubt as to how deeply he meant the warning words he spoke.

 

"The next person who tries to _touch_ me... is gonna look worse than Danny when I'm done."

 

He started toward the bunks, then hesitated, biting his lower lip as he seemed to remember something. He glanced back at the gathered guys around him -- all staring when they could, while trying hard to look as if they weren't -- and seemed to make a decision. He swore quietly under his breath as he turned and headed toward his own bunk, climbing up into it and closing the curtain tight behind him.

 

********************************

 

Kris watched, heartsick, knowing exactly why Adam was reluctant to go to the bunks, despite his desire for solitude. It spoke volumes towards his state of mind, however, that he was more willing to face Danny’s presence than to endure the prying – if well-intentioned – scrutiny of the others.

 _He knows Danny wouldn’t dare touch him again… not now…_

 _Quit trying to rationalize it, Allen. This is the kind of shame this entire situation – this situation_ you _put him in – has caused him. He’d rather face the prospect of being alone with Danny again than to face the shame of all of these guys knowing that something happened._

Kris’s eyes widened, staring at the wall beside him, sick with the mounting burden of guilt that came with realizing exactly what he’d been doing to Adam over the past few weeks. Now, what he hadn’t seen since the arrangement had begun was all so painfully clear.

 

 _He didn’t want this. He never wanted this. He did it to make you happy… and you let him get hurt and violated in the worst way. He was scared, and humiliated, and didn’t want to do it, but he_ trusted _you not to let something like this happen… and you let him down._

 

Matt finally picked himself up on the floor – and made his way toward Kris to sit down beside him.

 

“What are you, a masochist?” Kris muttered, casting a warning glance in his direction.

 

Matt ignored his half-hearted threat, correctly surmising that Kris wouldn’t actually lash out at him as Adam had. He shook his head slowly as he gave Kris a bewildered look, his voice hushed and vaguely horrified.

 

“Kris, man… what the hell _happened_ last night?”

 

Seated across from Kris and emboldened by Matt’s question, Michael added his own question, a concerned frown creasing his brow. “Did _Adam_ do that to Danny?” His tone darkened as he added, “And what did Danny do to deserve it?”

 

“Guys…” Kris covered his eyes with his hand, feeling trapped and overwhelmed and unwilling to share any of the details of the night before with his friends – not before he had the chance to talk to Adam and figure out where they stood. “… just let it go, okay? It’s none of your business.”

 

“Um… yeah it is,” Matt argued quietly. “You kinda _made_ it our business, Kris. We’re involved in this, so… we kinda have a right to know…”

 

“No, you’re not,” Kris snapped, standing up. “Not anymore. Until further notice, the schedule is cancelled, all right? That’s all you need to know. Just… just _back off_ , guys.”

 

He stalked away from them a few paces, then stopped, realizing there was really nowhere to go. He considered going back to the bunks to try to talk to Adam, but then decided that there wasn’t enough privacy here, no way to talk to Adam without everyone else being aware of the conversation.

 

Not to mention the fact that he still wasn’t sure he could be that close to Danny without punching him in the face.

 

The all-important conversation with Adam would have to wait at least until they got to the next city.

 

 _If he even_ wants _to talk to me then…_

 

Frustrated and helpless, feeling far more claustrophobic than he’d ever felt on the bus, Kris sank down into the seat Adam had just vacated, resting his head in his hands. Wisely, the others left him alone, seeming far more concerned about the well-being of their friends than about the postponed schedule of their time with Adam.

 

About two hours into the drive, the bus stopped at a gas station to allow the Idols to get drinks and snacks or whatever they might want for the rest of the trip. Adam emerged from his bunk long enough to speak with one of the handlers by the bus door – within Kris’s line of vision, and quietly but loudly enough for Kris to hear the conversation.

 

“I think I’m gonna go ride with the girls for a little while if that’s okay,” Adam softly suggested, giving the female handler a disarming smile that rarely failed to get him what he wanted. He added a little laugh that probably only Kris could tell was forced, rolling his eyes and leaning in conspiratorially to confess, “It smells like _guy_ in here… and not in a good way. I’m having a little bit of motion sickness, so… it’d probably be better…”

 

“Of course, not a problem.”

 

The handler readily agreed, returning Adam’s smile despite her obviously bad mood – no doubt due to the upsetting events of that morning. Adam had a way of getting through people’s defenses and lifting their spirits without even really trying – and even when his own had been ruthlessly crushed.

 

When Adam left the bus, Kris felt an overwhelming feeling of loss and rejection. With a cold, empty feeling in the pit of his stomach, he slipped back to the bunks and laid down. He was too focused on his own relationship with Adam to worry about Danny at the moment.

 

 _What relationship? He wants nothing to do with me anymore – and who could blame him?_

 

Bereft, Kris could no longer hold back the emotions that overwhelmed him, and allowed his tears to fall silently into his pillow as the buses continued on their way toward the next tour stop.

 

For the next two days, the tour continued without interruption. If a few of the Idols seemed to be going through the motions of their sets, the crowds didn’t really seem to notice. To Kris’s awe and amazement, Adam was _not_ one of those few. He lost himself in the music of his set each night, feeding off the energy and affection of the crowd, drawing from it strength and confidence that he had lost.

 

Kris left him alone, telling himself that when Adam was ready – if such a time ever came – Adam would seek him out.

 

And if such a time _never_ came – well, it was no less penance than Kris deserved.

 

On the afternoon of the third show, as they were getting off the buses at the venue, Kris was startled by the touch of Adam’s hand on his arm, momentarily stopping him in his tracks. His mouth went dry as he looked up to meet Adam’s calm, controlled gaze, an anxious question in his own.

 

“I’m ready to talk to you.”

 

There was something awe-inspiring in Adam’s composure as he boldly met Kris’s gaze – not a trace of the submissive deference he’d displayed before the past few days. His voice was quiet, composed, not a trace of a tremor, and Kris knew that something vital had changed within him since they’d last spoken – something monumental that he would soon be discovering – on _Adam’s_ terms.

 

“After the show tonight."


	8. Chapter 8

Kris was more nervous than ever about the performance that night. He couldn't focus, couldn't think about the songs he was singing or the audience or anything but the conversation he knew was going to take place that night once they'd all left the stage and returned to their hotel.

 

Somehow he managed to get through his set and the finale, even faking his way through the onstage interaction with Adam that the crowds always seemed to love so much, without losing it completely. He was quiet and withdrawn, but kept it together, smiling and pretending to listen as the Idols greeted their fans after the show at the barricades.

 

Throughout it all, there was only one thought running on repeat through his mind.

 

 _I have to get Adam to forgive me. Somehow, I have to make him see how sorry I am._

 

Finally, after what felt to Kris like an eternity, the Idols were in their hotel rooms for the night. Kris didn't have a key to Adam's room -- hadn't had one or tried to get one since the night when everything had fallen apart so horribly -- and besides, this was Adam's call, anyway. Kris knew that he had to wait for Adam to come to him, no matter how difficult that might be.

 

 _Doesn't matter if it's hard for you. It_ should _be hard for you, after what you did to him._

 

He paced back and forth across the faded carpet of his hotel room, mentally rehearsing the words he would say when Adam finally gave him the chance. He went over dozens of versions of the apology he knew he owed, but none of them seemed to be right.

 

None of them seemed to be enough.

 

He jumped at the sound of the quiet knock on his door, wide eyes staring at it as he suddenly felt trapped, claustrophobic -- and utterly unprepared for the confrontation he knew was about to take place. His mouth was dry and his heart pounding, as he made his way on trembling legs toward the door.

 

He opened it and stepped back to allow Adam entrance, not quite daring to meet his eyes -- afraid to see the expression on his face.

 

He drew in a deep breath, feeling the overwhelming need to fill the silence that accompanied Adam's entrance. "Adam, I... I'm so sorry..."

 

"No."

 

Adam's voice was firm, certain, and Kris looked hesitantly up to see him holding up a halting hand, his jaw set in resolve, his expression calm and controlled.

 

"No, I... I don't need to hear that. I don't need to hear _anything_ from you right now. What I need is for _you_ to listen to _me_ for a change."

 

Kris bit his lower lip, nodding once, his head lowered in response to the stern reproof. He felt a little like a child being scolded -- except such discipline was far less than he deserved for the torment he'd allowed Adam to endure. He kept silent, simply waiting for Adam to go on.

 

"What you did to Danny..." Adam continued at last, his words quiet and carefully measured. "... that was... good. I'm glad you did that, because... he deserved it." The faint tremor in Adam's voice made Kris's heart ache with the reminder of the trauma he'd experienced. "But... it doesn't make up for what happened."

 

"I know..."

 

"Shut up."

 

Adam didn't raise his voice, didn't show any obvious signs of anger; and yet there was something so arresting, so subtly warning in his voice that Kris felt a shiver of apprehension go down his spine, and instinctively knew that it was in his best interest to obey those soft words of command.

 

"I begged you not to make me go, Kris." Adam's voice broke slightly over the words, and Kris felt a hard knot forming in his throat, along with a hot burning behind his eyes. "I fell on my freakin' _knees_ in front of you and _begged_ you not to make me go to him... and you wouldn't listen to me then. You... you made me go to him. You threatened to leave me if I didn't."

 

Adam was quiet for so long that Kris finally ventured to look up at his face, blinking away his own guilty tears to see the torment etched in Adam's expression. Adam's voice was barely over a whisper when he spoke again, but the words struck Kris through the heart with a blinding agony of deserved rejection.

 

"I should have just let you go."

 

Kris's stomach dropped, and he felt an overwhelming sense of panic closing in on him at the suggestion. His voice cracked, his shaking lips barely able to form the words to protest.

 

"Adam, please... I'm so sorry..."

 

"Sorry doesn't take it back!" Adam snapped, his voice rising at last as he took a step nearer to where Kris stood. "It still happened, Kris, no matter how hard you try to say the right words! You can't make it not have happened!" He paused, drawing in a shaky breath before continuing, his voice a little smaller and carrying just a trace of uncertainty. "And... I'm not sure you can ever make it up to me."

 

Kris didn't really mean to move at all, but his panic drove him to close the distance between himself and Adam, reaching out to grasp Adam's arm gently as he tried to meet his eyes, a desperate urgency in his voice.

 

"Adam, I'll do anything! I'm so sorry! Just... just tell me what I can do to..."

 

Kris's words broke off abruptly as Adam jerked free of his hand and shoved him backward, hard. Stumbling, Kris fell back against the wall, cringing as he realized that Adam had followed him and was now standing unsettlingly close, his eyes blazing with fury inches from Kris's face.

 

"Anything, Kris?" he challenged, his voice low and trembling, dangerously on the edge of losing control. " _Anything_?"

 

Kris bit back a startled cry as Adam shoved him again, knocking him forcefully against the wall behind him. He was reminded with painful irony of just how much larger and stronger than him Adam really was -- how easily he could have turned the tables on him at any moment during their arrangement had he so chosen -- and it made him feel worse than ever.

 

 _He trusted you... he trusted you enough to give you that control... and you betrayed him._

 

"Can you take it back?" Adam hissed in his face, and Kris looked up at him, only to look away in shame when he saw the unheeded tears that streaked Adam's face. "Can you make it so it didn't happen? I don't think so!"

 

"I-I'm sorry..." Kris whispered again, uselessly. He knew it wasn't enough, but he wasn't sure he had anything else to offer. "Adam, I'm so sorry..."

 

Hesitantly, he reached out a trembling hand toward Adam, intending to somehow try to soothe him, to calm him down before the situation got out of hand. Before he could make contact, however, Adam caught his wrist and slammed it back against the wall, the impact with his knuckles causing Kris to let out a little cry of pain.

 

“No!” Adam snapped. “No, you _don’t_ get to touch me!”

 

Adam didn't seem the least bit bothered by the knowledge that he had hurt Kris. In fact, he grabbed Kris's other wrist and pinned it against the wall as well, holding him there.

 

"How does it feel, Kris?" he whispered, bitter fury in his tearful voice. "How does it feel to be so helpless? To know that I could do whatever I want to you right now, and you couldn't stop it? To not have any say at all over what happens to you in the next few minutes?" His voice lowered, barely audible, as he added, “Are you _listening_ to me _now_?”

 

Kris's heart raced with panic, but he forced himself to keep still, not daring to try to escape Adam's grasp. He was almost certain that Adam wouldn't actually hurt him -- _almost_ \-- but he didn't want to take the chance with Adam in such an emotionally volatile state.

 

He closed his eyes, turning his face away. He swallowed hard, but the motion was painful in his dry throat. His breath was rapid and unsteady as he fought off the fight or flight impulse that pushed him to react, to push Adam away, to free himself from the domination of the other. Realization struck Kris with agonizing clarity, accompanied by an overwhelming wave of guilt.

 

 _God. He was able to submit to me so long, and he didn't have to -- not for a minute. And he's had me pinned for twenty seconds and I can't stand it._

 _He is so much stronger than I am._

 _And... he has every right to do anything he wants to me right now._

 

"I was... was so wrong, Adam," Kris whispered at last, not opening his eyes, keeping his face turned away. "I was so wrong to... to do that to you... all of it. I shouldn't have... have pushed you to do... things you didn't want to. I... I don't deserve you."

 

"No. No, you don't."

 

Kris flinched, stung by the words, but having no answer to refute them. He knew that Adam was right.

 

"Do whatever you want, Adam," Kris continued, his voice trembling with a mixture of fear and desperation as he leaned back against the wall, his wrists relaxing as much as possible in Adam's grasp as he struggled to make himself submit. "Whatever you need to do."

 

Adam froze, and his voice came out in a strangled, horrified whisper when at last he responded.

 

"Wh- _what_?"

 

"I deserve it," Kris insisted softly. "I know I do. And... I don't know what else to do. I know I don't deserve for you to take me back, but... do anything you want, Adam, just... just please... please forgive me..."

 

Adam remained still for just a moment longer before releasing Kris with a slight shove, a quiet sound of shocked disgust escaping his lips as he backed away. Kris opened his eyes and looked up at him, confused to see the appalled look of horror on Adam's face as he slowly shook his head.

 

"You think that'll help anything?" he whispered. "You think me hurting you like you hurt me is going to _fix_ this?"

 

Confused, Kris swallowed hard, shaking his head. "I... I don't..."

 

Adam didn't give him the chance to finish. Abruptly, he headed for the door, slamming it behind him. Kris heard his footsteps as he stalked furiously down the hall, and his heart sank with the realization that he had blown it completely. Adam had come here to talk to him, and Kris had completely missed the cues and blown their only chance to work things out.

 

 _Please. Like you deserve him, anyway, now. He's better off without you. Just let him go._

 

But Kris knew that _he_ was not better off without _Adam_. He couldn't stand the thought of losing him, though at this point it seemed that the choice had been taken out of his hands. He had broken their relationship beyond repair, and there was nothing he could do to fix it.

 

Thirty minutes later when Kris's phone rang, his heart leapt up into his throat and he stared at it for a long time, trying not to let himself hope. It had rung three times by the time he finally reached to pick it up.

 

"H-hello?"

 

"I've changed my mind."

 

Kris felt a momentary rush of relief -- followed by an uneasy sense of apprehension as the joy of hearing Adam's voice faded enough to allow him to focus on the actual words he had spoken.

 

"You've... what?"

 

Adam's voice was cool and commanding -- something Kris was not accustomed to hearing from him these days. "Come to my room. I've decided that there _is_ something I want from you."

 

Kris hesitated, his mind racing, trying to figure out what might have happened to change Adam's mind. "And it might... might fix us?" he ventured, cringing inwardly at the timid, insecure sound of his own voice.

 

Adam's voice was hard as he retorted quietly. "It might fix _me_. That's the best I'm hoping for right now. But if you're really sorry... if you really want to make it up to me... you'll come, now."

 

And without any further explanation, he hung up the phone. Kris stared at the silent receiver for a long time before setting it slowly back in its cradle. He considered for a moment, fearful questions running through his mind as he tried to figure out what Adam might be planning, what he might be walking into if he made the short trip down the hall to Adam's room.

 

In the end, he decided that even if there was only the slightest chance -- and even if that chance was not to get Adam back, but only to undo the damage he had done -- that chance was worth anything Adam might do to him.

 

His decision made, Kris got up and made his way down the hall toward Adam's room.


	9. Chapter 9

Kris’s legs trembled as he stood outside Adam’s door, trying to work up the courage to knock. He bit his lower lip, feeling sick to his stomach as he tried to figure out what would happen once he walked through that door. He didn’t know what Adam expected from him, what he would demand once the door closed and the safety of the outside world was shut out. All he knew was that when he’d left Kris’s room, Adam had been horrified at the very suggestion that he might want to hurt Kris, to make him suffer the way Adam had suffered – and then just a few minutes later, he’d called back.

 

 _I’ve changed my mind._

 

Adam’s words echoed in Kris’s mind with ominous impact.

 

 _Does that mean… does that mean he_ does _want to hurt me now?_

 

Kris steeled himself and knocked on the door, drawing in a deep, shaky breath. If Adam _did_ want to punish Kris for what he’d done, then that was his right. Whatever pain Adam was capable of inflicting would not be enough to make up for the wrong Kris had done to him.

 

 _You deserve it, Allen – no matter what ‘it’ is. So man up, and take what’s coming to you._

 

That stern resolve wilted in the face of Adam’s cool, utterly composed expression when he finally opened the door. His face was no longer tear-streaked, and he had washed the remnants of his make-up from his eyes. His unusually bare face only added to the terrible honesty and vulnerability he projected. Kris wanted to look away from the quiet intensity, the unintentional accusation in those startlingly blue eyes, but he forced himself to maintain eye contact.

 

 _Adam deserves at least that much from me – and so much more._

 

Adam looked away after a few moments, turning and slowly making his way to the bed to sit down, while Kris quietly closed the door and locked it for good measure. When he turned to face Adam, drawing in a deep, shaky breath, Adam was watching him silently, a pensive expression on his face.

 

“I’ve been thinking.” He spoke at last, his voice soft but unwavering, his gaze focused on the floor across from him. “I’ve been… trying to figure out… what it is that I need from you.”

 

Kris was quiet, waiting for Adam to go on, biting his lip anxiously. After a few silent moments had passed, he ventured to speak, his voice quavering and tentative. “O-okay…?”

 

“And… I think…” Adam rose to his feet, and Kris tensed, forcing himself to resist the impulse to flee the room. “… I need you to understand… what I went through.”

 

Adam crossed the room, his movements graceful and fluid as he swiftly closed the distance between them, only stopping when he was so close that Kris took an instinctive step backward, stumbling into the dresser behind him. Adam’s eyes narrowed, a smirk of bitter irony replacing his usual brilliant smile as he met Kris’s eyes again for a moment before leaning in close to speak softly into his ear.

 

“I need you to _know… exactly_ what he did to me.”

 

Kris’s mouth went dry with fear, and his stomach leapt up into his throat. He closed his eyes, his breath quickening as he struggled with his own desire to push Adam away from him and run. He knew he could do it. He knew Adam wouldn’t try to stop him. He could walk out of this room right now – but if he did, everything would be over. There would be no hope of ever repairing what he and Adam had once had.

 

 _Adam didn’t have the choice to walk away. I made sure of that._

 

“And I also need you to know,” Adam continued in a voice barely over a whisper, his breath soft and warm against Kris’s skin, “that you might as well have done it yourself.”

 

Kris opened his eyes, confused as Adam abruptly moved back away from him. He blinked, his vision coming back into focus on the strange sight of Adam calmly, methodically unfastening the buttons of his shirt. It didn’t fit with the conclusion that Kris had already reached as to what was going to happen in the next few minutes in this room.

 

“He always made me undress first. Immediately.”

 

Adam’s voice was flat, carrying no trace of emotion, as he slid the shirt back over his shoulders and allowed it to slip to the floor. Uncertain as to what Adam wanted him to do, what was happening, Kris hesitantly reached for the hem of his own t-shirt to pull it over his head.

 

“ _No_.” Adam’s voice was soft but sharp, and Kris’s hands froze, eyes wide as he watched Adam for some clue as to what he was supposed to do. “No… he never undressed… not anymore than he had to.” His smile was cold and empty as he met Kris’s eyes and shrugged slightly. “I guess it made him feel more powerful that way.”

 

Kris’s stomach lurched, and suddenly he wanted to vomit, as he realized the role in which he had been cast in the performance that Adam was slowly putting together. Adam stepped toward him, no longer carrying the air of menace he’d deliberately projected at the beginning of the encounter. He stopped a couple of feet in front of Kris, his eyes downcast submissively as he slid gracefully to the floor on his knees. Wide, guarded eyes looked up at Kris as Adam explained quietly.

 

“Next, he told me to get on my knees. He never wanted me to forget my… my _place_. That I was nothing but… a _slave_ … to him… to you… to _all_ of you.”

 

“No, Adam,” Kris whispered, his voice breaking with his heart as his eyes welled with tears. “No, you were always more than…”

 

“Don’t.” Adam’s voice trembled with anger, though his eyes were downcast again, his jaw set with stubborn resentment. “He would never have talked like that to me. He hardly ever even used my name.” He looked up at Kris, eyes glittering with tears but blazing with defiant fury. “If you’re going to talk to me, call me ‘slut’… or ‘whore’… or ‘bitch’… like _he_ did.”

 

“Adam, I… I _can’t_ do this…” Kris hated the whimpering sound of his own voice, trembling and broken. “Please…”

 

“This is what I need you to do, Kris.” Adam’s voice was hard, demanding. “You have to understand. If you can’t do what I need you to do, then get out.”

 

Kris swallowed hard, shaking his head slightly in denial of what Adam was asking of him, still not quite understanding where Adam was going with this. Despite his misgivings, however, and the terrible clenching ache in his stomach, he whispered his assent.

 

“Okay. Okay… whatever you need, Ad-”

 

“ _Don’t_ use my name.”

 

“Okay,” Kris whispered, his throat closing with his tears as one slipped down his cheek. “Okay.”

 

Adam was silent for a moment, his bare chest heaving as he struggled to maintain control of his emotions. Finally, he spoke again, his voice low and trembling. “Then… he tied my hands. There’s a pair of cuffs in the top drawer.”

 

Kris’s eyes widened with stunned horror, and he wondered when and how Adam had managed to get his hands on a pair of handcuffs. He swallowed hard, moving past Adam to open the drawer and retrieve the cuffs. His breath caught in his throat as he raised the metal restraints in his hand. These were no cheap, fuzzy playthings, but a _real_ pair of handcuffs.

 

 _Danny wasn’t playing around, either._

 

Kris felt sick at that thought, as he knelt behind Adam and fastened the cuffs around his wrists, then rose and moved to stand in front of Adam again. Adam looked up at him, his eyes dull with remembered hurt and degradation as he stared off into the distance, remembering that horrific night over a week earlier.

 

“He grabbed my hair,” he recounted at last, his voice hushed and distant, “and dragged me over to the bed.” He looked up at Kris, ordering softly, “Do it.”

 

Kris shook his head. “I can’t,” he insisted, pleading. “I can’t hurt you like that!”

 

“ _You already did_!” Adam snarled, the raw pain in his voice revealed in that vulnerable moment. “You have to own what you did, Kris! You have to take responsibility for what _you_ made happen! It’s not pretty, but it’s the truth, and you _have_ to see it!” He did not relent, unmoved by the shaking of Kris’s shoulders and the tears that now freely streamed from his eyes. “Now _do it_!”

 

Kris closed his eyes, feeling as if his heart would break as he obeyed, trying not to think about what he was doing. He grabbed a handful of Adam’s hair and jerked him forcefully toward the bed, feeling a deep ache in his chest as Adam stumbled and struggled to keep up with him. Once there, he released Adam, crouching down in front of him, eyes wide and searching.

 

“A-are you…?”

 

“Don’t ask.” Adam’s voice was like steel. “ _He_ wouldn’t.”

 

Kris was speechless, his breath stolen away by the impact of Adam’s simple words. His mind was screaming a silent protest, insisting that he wasn’t what Adam was forcing him to become – he wasn’t Danny, wasn’t anything like him.

 

 _Except you are._

 

He would never hurt Adam like that.

 

 _Except you did._

 

Adam’s face bore a stricken, ironic smile that made Kris feel sick as he looked up to meet Kris’s eyes again, his own shining with tears. “Now, listen closely, Kris, because you have to get this part right,” he stated, biting off the words in a hiss. He was quiet a moment, his gaze unrelenting as he continued with quiet intensity. “This is the part where he told me that if I didn’t do whatever he wanted… if I didn’t submit to whatever degrading, painful, humiliating thing he demanded of me… you were going to walk out on me.” His voice trembled, his eyes filled with tears. “Say it, Kris. Say you’re gonna leave me unless I do whatever you say.”

 

Kris shook his head, his shoulders quaking with the deep sobs that rose up within him. “No,” he whispered. “No…”

 

“ _Why not_?” Adam demanded, his own words torn from him like a sob. “This should be easy, Kris! This should be _no problem_ for you! _This is the part you’ve already done_!”

 

Kris shook his head, trying and failing to deny the truth of Adam’s words, as the memory of his betrayal came back to him – the moment in which he had walked away from Adam, the implied and then spoken threat that he would leave Adam and not look back if he didn’t go to Danny and do what he wanted.

 

Danny’s lie made no difference.

 

Kris had done what Danny did before Danny did it.

 

“Adam, I’m so sorry…”

 

“ _Don’t_ say my _name_!” Adam yelled, his voice choked and distorted in his rage. “Call me what you _made_ me!”

 

“ _No_ …” Kris sobbed.

 

“Call me a slut! Call me your _bitch_! Tell me I’m nothing but a worthless freakin’ whore who’s not good for anything else!” Adam’s emotions were out of his control at this point, his tears flowing freely, his words breaking and tumbling over each other as his pain poured out at Kris’s feet. “That’s what you thought of me! That’s what you made me be! _Why can’t you say it_?”

 

“Because you’re _not_!” Kris replied, desperation in his voice. “Adam, you’re none of those things! No matter what Danny said… what _I_ said and did… Adam, you’re worth so much more than that!”

 

Adam shook his head, unable to speak, his shoulders shaking with sobs as he lowered his face in shame and despair. Kris knew he had meant to take this intense and agonizing roleplay much farther, but he no longer seemed capable of continuing what he’d started.

 

“Adam, I was so wrong,” Kris sobbed, reaching forward to grasp Adam’s arms, desperate to make him see. “I was so stupid and wrong and I _never_ should have made you… I… I thought you wanted it, but I _knew_ you didn’t, I just _wanted_ to think it, and I never, _ever_ should have made you do anything _like_ that! I’m sorry! I’m _so, so sorry_!”

 

Adam didn’t respond, not looking up, though he went still at some point during Kris’s sobbing, nearly incoherent words. His face was turned away from Kris, his body tense and trembling; Kris suddenly remembered himself and withdrew his hands from Adam’s arms.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, shaking his head slowly. “I… I shouldn’t even touch you. I don’t have the right. Adam… I don’t deserve you.” He was silent for a long moment as he reached into his pocket and took out the key to the handcuffs, rising to his feet. His last whispered words were barely audible. “And… I never did.”

 

Adam didn’t move, didn’t speak, as Kris unfastened the cuffs with trembling hands and tossed them aside in disgust. Once he was freed, he rose from his knees, dragging himself up with trembling arms to sit on the side of the bed. Kris stood there for a moment, shoulders slumped, head bowed, before he fell to his knees in front of Adam, looking up into his face with earnest, tearful eyes.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “And I’ll do anything you want me to do to prove it… not to get you back, because I don’t deserve to have you back,” he clarified softly, his voice trembling with emotion. “Just… so you know that I’d do _absolutely anything_ to take it back – to not have ever let anyone touch you. Because… because I think that’s where it all… all started to go wrong.” He looked away for a moment, pensive before looking back up to find that Adam was finally looking at him again, something fearful and vulnerable in his naked gaze. “I’d do anything to make it up to you,” Kris repeated, pausing before concluding, “except hurt you again. If I lose you for good, then I lose you. But I swear to you, Adam, no matter what it costs me… I will _never_ hurt you again.”

 

Kris waited a moment for Adam’s response, but he offered none, his expression inscrutable as he drew in a sharp, shuddering breath. At last, Kris nodded once in confirmation of his words before rising to his feet and turning toward the door. Some small part of him still hoped that Adam might stop him, though he knew he didn’t deserve that much – didn’t deserve anything from Adam anymore.

 

He slipped out the door in silence, unhindered, closing it and heading down the hall toward his own room again.


	10. Chapter 10

For the week following their emotional confrontation in Adam’s room, Adam and Kris barely spoke.

 

Of course – Adam barely spoke to _anyone_ , so it didn’t seem that strange.

 

Though he respectfully kept his distance, allowing Adam all the space he needed, Kris kept a close eye on him, constantly worrying and wondering how he was doing, if he was dealing well with the trauma he’d endured, if he needed someone to talk to.

 

 _Not that he’d ever choose you if he did…_

 

If Adam wanted a confidante, there was certainly no shortage of willing volunteers. As the days passed in a sort of self-imposed isolation that seemed to have overcome all the occupants of the bus, the other guys seemed to be giving some thought to the entire arrangement that had existed between them, and what its effects might have been. One by one, they made their way to Adam at various times when no one else seemed to be around, offering their awkward but fully sincere apologies.

 

“I’m sorry, man,” Matt offered in a halting, embarrassed tone, scuffing his foot against the carpet of the hotel hallway like a child caught in a lie. “I guess… I guess I wasn’t… none of us were… were thinking about what it… must have been like, but… I didn’t mean to… well… I’m just _sorry_ , okay? It was wrong, and I’m sorry.”

 

Kris was making his way down the hallway as this exchange occurred, and he continued through the doorway to his room, but didn’t quite close it all the way, lingering near the door to hear Adam’s response. His voice was quiet, but clear and strong enough to carry easily to Kris’s ears.

 

“You’re right. It was very wrong. And… thank you for apologizing.”

 

In spite of his own role in Adam’s ordeal, Kris felt a swelling sense of relief and pride for Adam at the strength and quiet dignity he heard in his voice. He seemed to be regaining the confidence that Kris and the others had unknowingly stolen from him.

 

 _How could I not have seen it? How did I not see what we were doing to him all that time? No. What_ I _was doing to him. He did it all for me. If it wasn’t for me, the others couldn’t have touched him._

 

 _At least he’s doing better now. He really is better off without me._

 

Kris didn’t want to do anything to damage the progress Adam was making, and knew that he had no right to ask for anything more from Adam than he had already given; so he kept his distance, giving Adam all the space he needed to heal and come to terms with all that had happened.

 

Still, despite his knowledge that it was the right thing – he missed Adam desperately.

 

He spent a great deal of his free time on his laptop, looking up Adam’s old pictures and performances, reading every article and review he could find. It was embarrassing and pathetic, when Adam was basically living a matter of a few yards away from him at all times; but somehow, it made him feel closer to him, when he couldn’t so much as speak to him anymore – as if their connection was not so completely severed as it actually was.

 

Those brief video clips, articles, and pictures were all he had left of Adam.

 

As he read through the articles and looked at old snapshots of Adam with his friends and more-than-friends, however, Kris began to notice a few patterns that he had never considered during their time together in the mansion, or at any point in their relationship.

 

In every picture and video clip he found, Adam’s awe-inspiring confidence showed through. He was larger than life. He clearly didn’t need anyone else to validate his sense of self-worth or define him in any way. He was perfectly at ease with who he was, and unwilling to allow anyone to make him change, bend, or bow. Kris couldn’t imagine the Adam he saw on the videos ever agreeing to submit to an arrangement such as the one he’d entered into for Kris’s sake.

 

Kris also began to notice a trend in the pictures of Adam with the guys he’d dated in the past. They were all smaller than him, all younger, all clearly utterly enamored of him and clearly aware of the treasure they had found in him. Kris’s thoughts returned to the now famous Rolling Stone article that had been released just before the start of the tour, where Adam had described his “type”. He thought of the interviews – some of which he’d been a part of – in which Adam had made it clear that he liked to be in control, and was not comfortable with being pressed into someone else’s mold, or told who he was supposed to be.

 

 _I like the top._

 

The offhand comment no longer sounded like a joke to Kris.

 

Each piece of evidence before him, though seemingly insignificant on its own, seemed to point in the same direction: Although in the beginning, Adam might have enjoyed allowing Kris to dominate him once in a while, the situation had quickly become something very different from what he’d intended. In the end, Adam had sacrificed a very large part of his values, his world view, his very personality, in order to submit to the way Kris wanted things to be between them.

 

 _Why would he go along with it? Why would he let me do that to him? Just because he thought it was what I wanted? Just because… he wanted that badly to make me happy?_

 _Why? Why would it be worth giving up so much of himself?_

A hard knot formed in Kris’s throat, and he tried to swallow it down, blinking back tears as the realization of the truth struck him.

 

 _Because… because he loved me. He loved me that much – enough to give up what he wanted, enough to give up_ himself, _just to… just to be with me. Just to make me happy._

 _And… I made him believe that in order to be with me… he_ had _to give up that part of himself. Why did I make him do that? Why did I think that I needed that much from him? Why did I feel the need to crush that confidence and bring him into subjection to me?_

A whispering voice in the back of Kris’s mind answered the question with ugly words that made Kris feel small and dirty and disgusting – as he knew that he _should_ feel for what he’d done to Adam.

 

 _Because you were afraid if you didn’t crush it, you’d never be able to hold onto him._

 _Because you having him was more important than him having himself._

 _Because you’re a selfish, heartless piece of shit, Kris Allen._

Through his tears and painfully self-accusing thoughts, something else occurred to Kris – something that filled him simultaneously with an overwhelming sense of guilt – and a slim sliver of hope that somehow, what they’d had might yet be repaired.

 

 _He could have backed out when Danny… did what he did. He could have refused, said to hell with this, you,_ and _Kris, and just walked out of that room. He’s bigger and stronger than Danny, and he didn’t have to go through with it – but he did._

 _He went through with it – after I forced him into it. He_ knew _I’d forced him into it, threatened to leave him if he didn’t do it… and yet he still loved me enough that he’d rather suffer Danny’s sick, twisted violation… than to lose me. I’d already broken his trust, thoughtlessly pushed past his limits… and he still wanted to be with me._

 _Which means even then, he still loved me… even knowing what I’d done to him._

Kris’s mouth was dry, his eyes wide, his heart racing with mingled hope and apprehension.

 

 _Is it possible that, even now… he still does?_

 

*******************************

 

Despite his new found cause for hope, his resolution that no matter what happened, he would never so violate Adam’s trust again, Kris continued to keep his distance from Adam. He reminded himself when he was tempted to try to apologize again – which was more than once each day – that if Adam decided he was ready to talk to Kris again, he knew where to find him.

 

Kris would do no good to the situation by forcing an issue that Adam did not want to deal with.

 

 _If he’d just give me the chance… I’d prove to him that I will never hurt him again, never ask him to be any less than the amazing, incredible person that he is._

 

But each concert came and went, the days of the tour slipping by with increasing speed as they neared the end, and Kris felt the last vestiges of his hope fading away. He was depressed and disappointed, though he knew he had no right to be, as they prepared for the last show in their hotel rooms.

 

Kris had two hours before they would load onto the buses and head to the arena.

 

Two hours left before they would give their last performance, and then go their separate ways.

 

Two hours before Adam essentially walked out of his life forever.

 

Kris’s stomach clenched at the unexpected knock on the door to his room. He looked up, eyes wide and wary, even as he mentally chided himself for his foolish hopes.

 

 _It could be anyone. The chances that it’s actually…_

 

The thought trailed off as he opened the door, and saw the person standing there – tall and poised and confident, no trace of the insecurities that Kris himself had instilled there – and only one word, his name, echoed over and over again in Kris’s mind, racing ahead to try to understand what was about to take place, though he couldn’t quite fathom the fact that he was here at all.

 

 _… Adam._


	11. Chapter 11

For a few moments, Kris just stood there, dumbstruck at the utterly unexpected sight of Adam standing outside his door. Adam’s expression was composed, resolute, though Kris could detect a faint edge of solemn apprehension in his expressive gaze. He swallowed slowly, glancing into the room for a moment before meeting Kris’s eyes again.

 

“Can I come in?”

 

Adam’s voice was soft but clear and controlled, and it drew Kris out of his stunned stupor. He shook his head slightly, drawing in a breath to respond.

 

Adam frowned, tilting his head quizzically. “No?”

 

“No,” Kris objected, shaking his head more emphatically. “I mean no, not _no_ … yes. Yes, you can… come in. If you want to.”

 

Somehow Adam managed to make sense of Kris’s stammered words, nodding in acceptance and stepping past Kris into his hotel room. Kris stood there for a moment with his back turned to Adam, trying to regain his bearings and steady his thoughts. He had never expected that Adam would come to him _now_ – at the end of the tour, when they were out of time. He hadn’t really expected him to ever come around again.

 

 _But… why now? Is this… does he just want to… to tell me goodbye?_

 

The thought filled Kris with a sense of desperation and he struggled to keep control as he slowly turned to face Adam. He started when he saw how close Adam was still standing to him, just a couple of feet away, facing him with his head lowered slightly, his thumbs hooked into the pockets of his jeans in a gesture that Kris recognized as Adam’s way of keeping himself from nervous fidgeting.

 

 _Why’s he nervous? He’s got all the power here. What’s this about?_

 

“Adam… what…?”

 

“Quiet.”

 

Kris blinked, startled by the soft command – then nodded, silently accepting it. Adam had the right to turn this – conversation, or whatever it was going to be – in any direction he chose. Kris had taken far more than he had a right to over the past few months, and was willing to give Adam back whatever he needed in order to feel safe and in control.

 

“I’ve been thinking, and… I don’t want us to go off tomorrow and just… just never see each other again… and leave things the way they’ve been between us. Before I go back to LA, I need you to know how I feel.”

 

Kris was silent for a long moment, cautiously sitting down on the end of the bed. “O-okay.”

 

Adam’s voice was quiet and even as he leaned back against the edge of the dresser, each word measured and careful.

 

“Our relationship… what we had… went wrong the very first time you insisted that I do something I… I really didn’t want to do. I was into it at first – the power games, the – the thrill of it. But… I never wanted to be with anyone but you, Kris.” He looked up to meet Kris’s eyes, a deep sorrow in his gaze that made Kris’s chest tighten, a dull ache forming in the pit of his stomach. “We were doomed from the first time you asked me.”

 

Kris didn’t want to excuse himself of the responsibility he knew he bore for Adam’s suffering; yet, he remembered the conversation Adam was describing, and knew that there had been more to it than that. His voice was soft, tentative, as he quietly made his point.

 

“You… you could have said no.”

 

“I know.” Adam nodded slowly, his eyes downcast. “I could have told you I… I didn’t want that, but… but _you_ wanted it, and… I wanted to make you happy.”

 

Kris felt the ache in his stomach traveling up to his throat, accompanied by a burning behind his eyes at the painful, simple honesty of Adam’s explanation. He swallowed hard, blinking back tears as he drew in a shaky breath.

 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I know it doesn’t change what happened – but I truly am.”

 

“I know you are.” Adam’s expression was solemn, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “But… our relationship, at this point… is so thoroughly screwed up… there’s… there’s nothing healthy about it, Kris. We could try to start over and do it right, but… I’m afraid after everything that’s happened… we might never be able to fix it.”

 

Kris’s heart sank with those words, though he wasn’t really surprised. He hadn’t really expected Adam to take him back. He looked away in a vain attempt to hide the tears that streaked his face, the aching thickness in his throat preventing him from responding – not that there was anything he could say at this point to make it right.

 

“But… I miss you.”

 

Kris’s closed eyes opened wide, and he slowly turned his head back to face Adam, confusion mingling with hope in his uncertain eyes.

 

Adam shook his head, rolling his eyes at himself with an ironic smile as he added, “I don’t know why, after… after what you did to me. After _everything_. But… but I miss you, Kris.”

 

His voice was hoarse, cracked, as he struggled to get out the words he meant more than any he’d ever spoken.

 

“I… I miss you too, Adam. _So much_ …”

 

“Shh. I’m not finished.”

 

The unusually gentle tone of Adam’s voice gave Kris a new sense of hope, and he fell obediently silent, waiting for Adam to go on. Kris felt a rising sense of impatience born of anticipation, as Adam stood there for what felt like an eternity, looking at the floor in front of him, gathering his thoughts. Finally, he spoke, his words measured and soft.

 

“In a normal, healthy relationship… the balance of power needs to be even. Same footing for both. Neither partner needs to have… total control over the other. It’s a give and take – equal partnership.”

 

Kris nodded slowly, accepting the reason of those words. Adam met his eyes, a warning in his intent blue gaze as he pointed out the glaringly obvious.

 

“This is nothing remotely resembling a normal, healthy relationship.”

 

Kris swallowed hard, uncertain of where Adam was heading with this. “I know,” he whispered in simple acknowledgement.

 

“It… couldn’t be. Not for a while, anyway. We’ve both formed… habits… patterns… that aren’t healthy, and… if we try to just… start over and do it right, we’ll end up falling back into those patterns by default.” There was a hard glint of subtle defiance in Adam’s eyes as he slowly shook his head and declared softly, “And I will _never_ … allow myself to fall back into that pattern again.”

 

Kris felt an overwhelming sense of hurt and loss at the implications of what Adam was saying. He looked down, nodding sadly. “I understand…”

 

“No, I don’t think you do.”

 

Kris looked up again, frowning, puzzled.

 

Adam’s piercing gaze was still locked onto him, his resolve clear in his expression as much as in his quiet, unyielding tone. “If we’re going to be able to work this out – to be together again – things have to be radically different than they were before. As in – the _opposite_ of how they were before.”

 

Kris’s frown gradually gave way to a wide-eyed expression of stunned understanding. His lips parted to respond, except that he had no idea what he wanted to say. The thought of what Adam was suggesting was frightening and unnerving – but it might be the only chance they had of reconciliation.

 

“It’s the only way I’m going to be able to feel… safe.” Adam’s tone softened, though there was no apology there. “I… don’t want to leave tomorrow and… and never see you again. But… I need to know that I’m not going to… to lose control again. And the only way I can do that is to… have _all_ the control… for a while, anyway.”

 

Kris couldn’t deny that Adam deserved that much from him, if he wanted it.

 

He just wasn’t sure if he was capable of giving it.

 

“I’m not talking about… day to day, public sort of situations, like… like it was with us before.” Adam’s clarification was made without accusation. “I don’t expect you to bow and beg and submit completely at all times. That’s not what I’m talking about. When we’re… out together, or… or working… just in ordinary situations… I want the two of us to be on equal footing. But… when we’re alone together… I have to be able to know that I’m the one in control. That – I’m the one who decides… what happens…”

 

The slight, almost imperceptible hitch in Adam’s voice reminded Kris of his recent trauma with a pang of guilt. He felt his heart go out to Adam, remembering how his power had been stripped from him, and the hand Kris had had in that violation.

 

Of course _he wants to know that what happens to him is in his control alone. Who could blame him?_

 

“Maybe, eventually… I’ll be able to… to trust enough that… things can be equal between us in… _every_ area. If you can’t deal with this, I understand. But… it’s the way it’ll have to be for us to… to be together.” He was quiet for a moment, tears in his trembling voice as he spoke in a barely audible whisper raw with aching vulnerability. “I… still love you, Kris. I… just have to _know_ that I’ll _never_ be placed in that kind of a position again.”

 

Kris was quiet for a moment, though his decision was already made. He rose from the foot of the bed, taking a cautious step toward Adam with his hands extended in front of him. He lowered his gaze as he closed the distance between them, reaching out to cautiously take Adam’s trembling hands in his.

 

“I trust you, Adam,” he stated firmly. “I know that you’re not going to hurt me – and I’m willing to do anything you want in order to… to be with you again.” He paused, his voice thick with emotion as he added, “I’m… honored and grateful that you would even consider it.” When Adam did not pull away from him or otherwise retreat, Kris dared to edge a little closer, looking directly up into Adam’s wary eyes. “I love you… and I need you to know that I’ll never hurt you again. So… whatever it takes for you to know that… that’s what I’m willing to do.”

 

Adam swallowed hard, his eyes dark and heavy-lidded with the desire awakened by Kris’s simple touch, after their prolonged separation. His lips parted, his breath quickening slightly, as he steeled himself with a visible effort, keeping his voice firm as he nodded.

 

“That’s… what it’s going to take.”

 

Kris ventured a cautious hand to rest at Adam’s waist, his expression solemn, dark eyes full of devotion. “Whatever I have to go through to prove it to you, Adam – it’ll be worth it to have you in my life again.”

 

The tension between them was sharp, palpable, each of them on the razor’s edge of the denial that had been enforced upon them. Kris wanted to touch more, to reach out and claim what Adam was offering – this second chance. Adam wanted to allow it, and yet did not want to surrender too easily. Both men were trembling with need, the seconds ticking by interminably as they wrestled with their lingering uncertainties.

 

“We’ll see if you still feel that way later on,” Adam pointed out in a breathless whisper. “Are you sure you can handle… giving up control to someone else?”

 

Kris’s mouth was dry, his heart racing, but he nodded, biting his lower lip. His eyes were glittering with desperate need, as he ventured a hoarse, shaky suggestion.

 

“Why don’t we find out?”

 

A faint smile formed on Adam’s lips at those words, and he hesitated only a moment before grasping Kris’s arms and spinning him around, pushing him against the wall beside the dresser with breathtaking force. Kris stared up at him through wide, startled eyes, trembling – but Adam could feel the evidence of his arousal against his thigh.

 

He responded to it with a firm, searching kiss, plundering Kris’s mouth, encouraged and relieved when Kris yielded to his advance. His trembling hands trailed over Kris’s chest and sides through his shirt, eager for more contact, yet not wanting to take this too quickly. He hesitated, pulling back a little, his gaze seeking as he met Kris’s eyes with a silent question in his own.

 

Breathless, tears glistening in his eyes, Kris shook his head slightly, raising a tentative hand to brush across Adam’s cheek.

 

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered. “I love you so much, Adam – and I’m so sorry.”

 

There was no doubting his sincerity. Adam’s heart softened toward him, relief overwhelming him with the knowledge that maybe, maybe everything was going to be all right after all. He wanted to take Kris into his arms and reassure him, tell him that everything was all right.

 

But he knew that he had to stick to the plan – or it could still all fall apart.

 

Instead, he gave Kris a taunting smirk, amusement sparkling in his eyes.

 

“Why don’t you quit telling me,” he suggested in a whisper, stepping back and pressing gently but firmly on Kris’s shoulder. “And _show_ me?”

 

Kris frowned slightly before understanding dawned in his eyes, and he realized what Adam wanted him to do. A faint smile formed on his lips, his eyes locked onto Adam’s as he sank slowly to his knees before him. He knew that this was not always going to be easy for him – but he knew that it was going to be worth it.

 

He would do whatever he had to do to prove himself to Adam – and _earn_ the love he’d offered back to him again.


End file.
